i always tell myself no matter how my mom think of me or care for me i will prove to her i can do it no matter how hard is this
What can I say, I’m a pusher
Ooh, so Jess is trying to get us table deals? Speaking of Vegas bachies – the FUNNEST bachelorette party I’ve been to in Vegas involved tutus in daytime over our bikinis, with the bride in a sash and tiara. Let me tell you, it got a LOT of attention, and getting hyphy in tutus is a one-of-a-kind experience (they are from the Bay). I’m wondering if I should suggest any ideas to Jess. Do you guys have any theme ideas? You only get 1 bachy (supposedly), so why not live it up?
If we keep telling ourselves that this will pass, it’ll pass.
If we keep everything normal, friendly, this will pass.
If we keep telling ourselves that this will pass, it will.
I hope so…
To be honest…no, I don’t.
I don’t want this to pass.
I want this for ever.
But, it’ll pass.
We’ll be ok.
We’ll be good.
Hi Angie -
I’m so sorry for your pain. I will do what I can to help you, and thank you for understanding how painful this is for me too –this has been, by far, the most painful and confusing experience of my life, as I’m sure it is for you too. I lost 12 pounds in two weeks when I found out, and I’m not a big person, (and I was even dating someone else)!
Please understand that I really don’t want to know more about your relationship. It’s nothing personal. I think you are probably a wonderful person. It just took me a lot of work and struggle to get to this very good place now, and I’m never going back there and don’t want to relive or question any of it.
Here’s the insight I can offer:
First of all, you should get the book “The Gift of Betrayal” by Eve Wood. Read it all asap. I swear you will feel better and it will help you to understand how this all happened. You’re just going to have to learn to live with the fact that you will never understand him or what his true motives or intentions were for any of this. You will never get closure on this. But what you can do is learn your role in it and what drew you to him (and him to you) and how to avoid people like him in the future. You are not alone.
Ben is not normal. And I don’t think it’s just Aspergers. I am fairly certain he has a personality disorder on top of that. I will leave it to you to decide if you agree or not, and what that disorder is - it doesn’t matter to me what anyone else thinks at this point. I know what I lived through. When he got caught, the way he responded to me was so cold and inhumane, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before in a human being. And I know a lot of people. It was utterly chilling. And before that, he had never been anything but really really sweet to me. Never once had he been anything close to mean.
It left me convinced that our entire relationship was fake. He was just using me for the game of it all - most of all for the attention I’m sure, but also he must have loved the risk. Just like his addiction to poker. It must have been thrilling for him to concoct so many lies and be able to manipulate me so masterfully. To be able to respond to me like that when I confronted him, he had to have no conscience and no empathy. There was no sense of guilt and any true apology - it all felt very disingenuous. There was nothing real or compassionate about it - he was not remorseful or ashamed in any way. He was just hellbent on saving his ass and concocting some sort of story that you all could accept as somewhat plausible so you didn’t think he was a psychopath, and he had absolutely no problem throwing me under the bus the second it suited him. He’s really pretty much dead to me. I never understood it when people said that before, but now I do. The person I knew was not a real person. He was a fabrication. And the real person behind the facade is not at all someone I want to have anything to do with in my life.
After we broke up, I had to try to make sense of the relationship because it made no sense at all to me. We always had an amazingly fun time together. We never fought. We were in constant contact, even if we were long distance. You read our emails, you know. I really felt like he loved me. I really thought he was my best friend (even long after the breakup - ha!) Every single weekend we spent together we got closer, but then he would make it harder to schedule the next time together. It was the weirdest thing. And his health kept getting worse and worse (was that part made up too?). I always thought Ben had PTSD from 911 (and how much of that part was true? I really don’t trust that any of it was real) and I’ve had a lot of trauma and know a lot about it, so I just thought if I was gentle and patient and safe enough, he would eventually be able to really open up to me.
This wasn’t just a case of someone cheating. This is someone who thrived on duplicity. And he panicked once I told him I wanted to spend the summer in the west and then move to NYC. He knew he couldn’t pull it off if you and I were both in the same city. But I think he kept in contact with me because he still liked the attention. It was very confusing.
So, basically I will never understand him or what went on. He won’t be able to give you an answer. He can justify all his actions with his lies. He’s a very good actor. When I thought it was just Aspergers, it was when I saw him as a really sweet person, someone who meant well, but who just wasn’t wired to need what we need. But after his cruelty with me, I really have no idea. I think it’s much worse.
One thing I would love from you is the name and address of his therapist. I really want to write that guy and tell him the extent of the damage that Ben inflicts on people. He needs to know that this isn’t a harmless game for Ben that the therapist is enabling. There are people’s lives at stake, and because he chooses vulnerable, really nice people who are really trusting, he is someday going to cause someone serous harm. I know that I was extremely lucky to be out of it when I found out – I had a new boyfriend who is very kind and loving to me and he saved me. And I hope that because you have your kids, you can put your energy into them and not focus on him and the bad stuff he did. But someday he will victimize someone who can’t handle it. And it’s unconscionable that this therapist supports his behavior. I was abused as a child and have always struggled with believing that I was lovable enough. I suspect you have some of the same issues, which is why we were so easily manipulated and would both tolerate the paucity of true affection he put out. He knew how to play us. But that doesn’t mean his therapist should be encouraging his behavior. I believe he needs to know how it feels from the other side. If you know his full name or any information at all for him, I would greatly appreciate it.
Hang in there - it will get better. You will find someone who is so much better for you, and you will never again accept someone who is so unable to love or even really feel anything for anyone else. I’ll be thinking of you and wish you all the best.
ps - get that book!
You are an amazing person. And I would hate to lose you. Really. Please, forgive yourself for your mistakes, realize that you are a valuable person and you mean a lot to so many people.
Remember please that the way you’re feeling right now, you won’t feel that way forever. This will pass. You have so much ahead of you - there are so many great things that you are going to do someday. And you’ll be so happy. Things seem so shitty right now because they are, but they won’t be forever. I promise.
Don’t cheat yourself out of the amazing life that you’re going to have someday. You can do this. Stay strong.
And I don’t know if you want these, but I think they would be much better equipped to give you the help you need:
- (877) 565-8860: transgender specific hotline
- 1-800-273-8255: general hotline
- http://www.7cups.com/: anonymous online listening
- http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/: another listening/hotline thing; they have many resources
So when I lived in London, I lived near Edgware Road. It’s not an area I hung out in tons (except I’d go to the pub next door to my flat, because of course), but it was close to Marble Arch and Hyde Park.
Marble Arch is the start of a major shopping area. And if you follow the shopping street from there, it can take you through Covent Garden (which had this one little alley with old booksellers and other cute things like that; I luckily stumbled upon it again when I was there a few weeks ago!) and Trafalgar Square I think and eventually all the way to the Thames. Primark is the only shopping I loved in London. It’s kinda like H&M, so it might not be a crazy must-see, but it was astonishingly cheap [like sneakers for two pounds] and it gets super swamped.
Hyde Park! Famous park. Huge. Speaker’s Corner is a corner where there is a literal soapbox and anyone can stand on it and start talking about stuff. There are sometimes festivals and things here, or crowds gathered to watch football games on screens and whatnot, so you might wanna look up to see if anything cool is going on there.
National Portrait Gallery in Trafalgar Square Victoria & Albert Museum (I genuinely got lost in here.)
See a show - it’s totally fine to stop in one of those storefronts for tickets, though I prefer the TKTS booth in Leicester Square. If you want a cool, less touristy theatre experience, the National Theatre of London is famous and often offers cheaper tickets for people under 35. You can buy in advance or at the theatre if still available.
(You can do the Shakespeare Globe theatre, and get one of the standing tickets in front of the stage, but…if it rains… you will be miserable [said from experience]). Royal Shakespeare Company also offers cheap day-of tickets for young people I think.
Camden Town/Camden Lock is a trendy area. You might run into celebrities in the Whole Foods, haha. I went to school near here. It’s near water, and the Camden Market is a big deal.
Brick Lane is very cool. I was only here once, but wish I’d gone more. They have a market as well, lots of indian food.
Tower of London. I took this on my first trip to LDN in 2005, and again when I was living there. I’m not always one for tours, but it was great. And you can see the Crown Jewels, which are pretty incredible too.
Walk across the Tower Bridge.
Borough Market (supposedly awesome grilled cheese cart here)
St. Paul’s Cathedral/Millennium Bridge
do not believe he will change someday and understand. no, he will not. he is a piece of frozen fish, remember? enjoy everything he gives you - breathtaking smile, small unexpected gifts, Sunday pancakes, gorgeous sex… he has so much good - just do not mention those rare bad days. and - he makes you better)
Stop worrying. Start working.
Focus. Schedule. Discipline.
Finishing things. It’s the only way to learn.
If you don’t make Ringgit then you don’t make sense.
I understand the birthday and anniversary calendar was taken down due to privacy concerns from someone not wanting to share their information publicly with the company. Totally understandable.
That said, I also think that while seemingly trivial, the birthday/anniversary calendar was actually a really useful tool for helping people celebrate their fellow coworkers. I’m sure you already understand the business value of why celebration and workplace happiness is important for retention and productivity, but just in case here’s a recent article about it. https://blog.intercom.io/why-happiness-at-work-really-matters
Also, think about how much more cake and baked goods there will be here if this is brought back! Which, in and of itself, ameliorates the snack shortage situation.
While I really liked the previous method, I understand it’s limitations in regards to confidentiality. I’d like to instead propose an opt-in solution — a Google calendar where people can choose to share their own birthdays and anniversaries as recurring yearly events. This can possibly even be automated if we set up a Google form or something and have a script to populate the calendar.
I also understand I can totally just email out to chatter to try and implement this on my own. However, I think it would be more impactful if it came from your team instead, and also I email chatter a lot. :)
Anyway, please let me know what you think!! Definitely open to discuss this further. Originally, I thought maybe it wasn’t such a big deal losing the calendar, but today was Sarah’s birthday and no one on her team knew, and I could tell she was pretty bummed since she’s definitely helped to celebrate other people’s birthdays. Likewise, others have brought up that they noticed the calendar had gone missing and were equally disappointed.
Thanks so much for your time!
If you can’t move on it (a job, a relationship, a decision) in the vibrational stage, then don’t move toward it.
NO is the right answer.
“I have to say NO b/c I’m not in the right place for us to have a good outcome. Not b/c there’s something wrong with you, but b/c I haven’t come to the resolution that I need to be at in order for us to have the fantastic time that I NOW demand of myself. I have to have fun…and if I don’t feel it, I can’t move on it.”