I didn’t really know much about how much I actually hated you or rather to be precise if I ever hated you. It had always been so that no matter how broken and bruised you leave me, I would still willingly accept you in a moment. I often wondered what was it with you that I just couldn’t let go of you, why was it that I would want to be holding your hand even when I know that I’d be drowning because of you. Love maybe? I don’t know. At this point in my life, I don’t really think that humans actually love each other unconditionally and you never even considered me worthy of it so why is it that I frequently lose out my self respect just because you need me? All you did was talk big about us, oh wait that wasn’t even a thing according to you. We weren’t lovers nor flings but neither were we even friends.
After lots of talks, self introspection and thinking in a different way for once; I did realize that you never were something I deserved or wanted. I was just clinging on to you because I didn’t want to go through the whole shit chain of love and heartbreak in search for someone new. I was just afraid of not being able to live without you but you know what? It’s been a year and it couldn’t have been more amazing than this without you. I understood my importance in your life was only when you left alone and needed someone just somebody and you were accustomed to the thought of me forgiving you each time that you would still do it, never for once understanding the reason behind it.
I’m so habitual to being treated like a use and throw object by you that your text wasn’t anymore a surprise for me. For once, being the foolish me I thought that you did actually miss me when you said that but no I forgot how great you were with your words just to beat around the bush and put the blame on me. The very next month when you sent those wink emoticon, I knew why you were here back to me. I decided to play along and at the end do something which usually you would do but this time it was me shutting you down from my life just like the way you used to.
I was glad to have given you back what you deserved. I was happy to finally have you go. I was happy that at last I wouldn’t be there crying nights after nights when you leave doubting myself or things I did that wronged you. And in all this happiness, it suddenly dawned to me how much of pain I have caused to myself more than you ever did by doing all this. I realized how disgusting on my part was it to do what you casually did. It came upon me as how for moving away from you I became exactly like you, you I wish to forever forget, you I wish to never come face to face with, you I wish to have never met in the first place. Or maybe I still hope we could have met differently and things could have been better. Just maybe, we would never know, because not anymore do I want to be with someone who treats me worse than an option though you always wanted to be my priority which you always were and now I know it wasn’t you, it was me who broke myself.