anxiety sucks. but i can’t accept that. all i can think about is how i suck. and how im not studying. and how im not doing assignments. and how im letting my professors down. and most importantly how im letting myself down. i know what i want in life. i want to be the best at whatever i choose to do. im so lucky as to know that. but i feel like now thats a curse. its not that “being the best” means i have unreasonable standards. the problem is that i don’t know how to deal with setbacks. setbacks are so far from being the best that they stun me. they stop me in my tracks. they make me feel like im unworthy of all the love i get from everyone in my life. so instead of using setbacks to motivate me to do better and then getting excited when i am doing better, i sit there, stunned by the setback, unable to comprehend what just happened, unable to move forward. finally when the stress of the setback peaks, i spring into action, knowing full well that i can never now feel like im being the best or even doing my best because there just isn’t enough time.
i think i just love you too much. my life just got too jumbled up when i started really really really liking you and i couldn’t be with you. it broke me.