I am guessing by now you have gotten paperwork from the court indicating the divorce is final. Since I had gotten a few emails from you in the past few months, I think a part of me expected to hear something from you after I knew paperwork had been delivered to you. It is also possible you imagine I don’t want to hear from you and are giving me space. A part of me also wonders if you’re in denial and don’t want to acknowledge the divorce, and writing any kind of goodbye to me would be too hard for you.
The biggest part of me feels incredibly used by you, that you acknowledged only what you wanted to and not reality. Sometimes I feel like I was just a reflective surface to you although I believe you truly loved me. I tip toed around you to protect your emotions meanwhile having no where to put my own. And that’s my fault for taking that role. Most of me feels like there is no point writing you as you won’t ever understand, and I don’t need you to. But there remains this small part of you for me, the part that holds my happiest memories and the absolute incredibly real love and bond I have for you. I write to that part for my own sake. Now that time has gone by and I realize I won’t hear from you.
When we got married we said out beyond right doing and wrong doing there is a field and we would meet each other there. While too much damage is done and I am too hurt to remain married, or in contact with you, I continue to see you beyond wrongdoings. Despite how incredibly angry I have been with you at times, I continue to see you as I always did, as a good man.
All of this was incredibly hard from me. From the way you responded to my valid pain and reactions, to the lack of respect I got in how careful and giving I was in tending your emotions. Deciding to get divorced was hardest decision of my entire life. It took time to get there, days without appetite and weeks of uncontrollable tears. To hear you question multiple times how much I loved you was the hardest thing I’ve ever heard or been confronted with. This was the last thing I expected for us. I hope that the next person you love you are honest with, and I hope your family is honest with her, that she not be kept from secrets the way I was.
I hope you have found peace within yourself like you wanted and no matter how much anger I feel during times of great pain I really am not angry at you at all. I feel for the pain you carried and I am sorry we both had to go through something so gut wrenching and painful. Divorce and our marriage is not something I can push aside and forget. Divorce has changed my life in away nothing else ever has, my life is now divided in “before” and “after.”
I wish the absolute best for you and I carry the happiest moments of my life from our marriage inside even though acknowledging them brings pain. I have learned a great deal from us, about myself, and find meaning in the growth I’ve endured. I hope you do as well.