I’m scared. I haven’t been scared about the state of us since radio silence, beginning and during. The night at xxxxxxxxx, I was able to be strong and confident and know that I was doing the right thing in telling you to do what you needed to take care of yourself, even if it meant not being together. It hurt and it was hard but I knew I was doing the right thing. Now… I still want those things for you, for me, for both of us – but something is different. It’s harder, more painful; the pending fear is bigger, I’m a little anxious and immobilized. I’m drowning in shoulds. Should we have gotten married? Should I have known better, done something differently? Should I have been better able to see how you weren’t ready, and make room for it? Everything is clearer in hindsight, as usual… I don’t know. For the first time, I really don’t know where we are at, what this means, I pushed into some tough feelings around some needs I was having this morning and somehow we wound up here? I guess this has been coming? Maybe I didn’t see it? Maybe I didn’t want to see it?
Part of me wonders if this is just a continuation of the pattern: me, presented again with something that might not be quite the right fit, being overwhelmed by it and doing it anyway, and all of it ending in bettering myself and the other person before we ultimately both move on. Is it happening again? Is dating really why you took your ring off? I can’t help but shake this idea that there’s so much you’re not saying / can’t say / are afraid to let out. You’re right: we aren’t flourishing. I feel like I get a little better day by day, week by week; I’m afraid that being with me is what’s keeping you stuck. We’ve talked about all this before.