We’re two people that despite everything, have never been able to let go of eachother, even holding on by a pinky grasp through circumstances and events that have ruined lesser couples, we were still somehow entwined in feelings, unconditional, real and inexpiable. It defied reason, logic and better sense given our age and lack of life experience. But those feelings have been replaced with your need to keep me stringing along – pulled out for a quick verbal spat when I’m back in your presence for longer than a moment and actively participating in a conversation. It seems you don’t want me, and you don’t know what to do with me when you have me. Reverting to old abuse and disrespect comes so easy and feels so natural, I can’t truly believe you feel or even remember what it feels like to really delight in my presence and love and support me. I surely cannot and it breaks me every time I think back further that a few years.
But I need to let go. Because holding on to a version of you and our relationship that isn’t even a smithereen of what we truly had and once nourished, isn’t good. I can’t expect you to work on yourself enough to be that boy any more. It’s not fair to secretly hope you will open your eyes tomorrow and change anymore. And I shouldn’t hope that of you when I am the way I am either. I won’t take that risk if you won’t.