A carta rejeitada quer ser amada
como um corpo abandonado
sofre num cantar lânguida
pelo encontro desejado
A carta rejeitada quer ser amada
How are you. I know you don’t like me. i know you are so happy with your bf. but i just want to say you, i will always love you.
You were never the one.
anxiety sucks. but i can’t accept that. all i can think about is how i suck. and how im not studying. and how im not doing assignments. and how im letting my professors down. and most importantly how im letting myself down. i know what i want in life. i want to be the best at whatever i choose to do. im so lucky as to know that. but i feel like now thats a curse. its not that “being the best” means i have unreasonable standards. the problem is that i don’t know how to deal with setbacks. setbacks are so far from being the best that they stun me. they stop me in my tracks. they make me feel like im unworthy of all the love i get from everyone in my life. so instead of using setbacks to motivate me to do better and then getting excited when i am doing better, i sit there, stunned by the setback, unable to comprehend what just happened, unable to move forward. finally when the stress of the setback peaks, i spring into action, knowing full well that i can never now feel like im being the best or even doing my best because there just isn’t enough time.
i think i just love you too much. my life just got too jumbled up when i started really really really liking you and i couldn’t be with you. it broke me.
It’s been quite awhile. When did we last meet? I think it was last year but you didn’t acknowledge me as much as you did back then. I wanted to ask how you’ve been, I wanted you to talk to me about your new school, classmates and such. But I couldn’t or you didn’t want to.
I regret what I said last time. I’m not perfect, I didn’t know what to say. It was all so sudden. I meant to say thank you for liking me for who I am. I meant to say I like you too. Unfortunately, I got tongue-tied. So stupid. You stopped talking to me and ignored me. It was awkward. I wanted us to hang out just like what we did before. I couldn’t do it though. I was afraid that you’d reject me, say that you’re too busy or something.
You probably have someone else you like now. I feel so jealous but I don’t have any rights. I look at your social media profiles every now and then, just wanting to make sure that you’re doing fine and all. I am regretting the things that I haven’t done and said to you. I’m sorry for my words last time, it probably hurt you. I know you wont come back but I’ll be here if and when you need me. But I know you don’t need me anymore. You’ve someone else.
Is it possible for a person to be happy and sad at the same time? Because I am.
It is me again. I know that my last email to you seemed somewhat cringy and soppy, but I needed to write it down. Like I said before, writing down makes everything fall into place.
Not gonna lie, looked you up several times on social media. Checked everything again and again. Was still surprised to see my images on your FB. I know you are a photographer, but for some reason, they seem too personal now.
Just wanted to let you know that I went on few dates. You told me that the good guys would never break my heart. Well, you were wrong…
What’s up with the guys nowadays?..
I went out with this nice guy, works in the police department, does freelancing on the side. But.. he was divorced. Just like you. But his case was so different than yours. He had two kids. His marriage failed because they fell out of love. For some unknown reason, I liked that guy. He seemed genuine. And you know what, for the first time in 2 years I felt butterflies in my stomach when he leant to kiss me.
You know what frustrating is? He ended whatever was going on between us. Two completely different timetables. Weird, huh?
It is like you cursed me with that.
I have meant to ask. Does your new girl complete you in every way? Is sex good? Does she give you better blow jobs? Are you able to speak about your mommy issues with her?
Honestly, I don’t even know why I am writing to you. I guess, after seeing that you became a wedding photographer, something clicked in my mind. You made fun of my wedding-themed Pinterest, and now you are the one who is in that industry.
I guess, we are not so different after all..
i miss you, I want you here as soon as possible.
I am just afraid that I won’t be able to love you the way you need me to. I am afraid I will hurt you, cause you pain and disappointment. I am also afraid that if we are both depressed, that will make things more difficult for us, that we won’t be able to take care of each other. I don’t know… As if being apart would be any easier. I remembered just how much harder it is to really be without you during this past week. I want to be us again. I want to be happy. I know you’re not a magic bullet, but I know the way I feel isn’t normal, and I know it’s not your fault, I’m sorry for taking it out on you.
I hope you have been able to think this past week, to be sure this is what you really want. I just keep doubting that I am enough for you. If you were asking me to move, now, or never… I don’t know what I would do. I really wouldn’t want to move, and I am afraid of how that would effect us… That I would resent you for making me move. I don’t want to put you in that same position, I don’t want you to resent me. If you want out, I am giving you that chance.
I want to give us a chance, a real chance this time. It has to be soon.
I am sorry I didn’t call you tonight, the [awesome movie] screening was tonight, and I got home at 11:30. Tomorrow I’ll be working late. I am looking forward to talking to you, but I don’t want to keep you up late or get cut short, so I’ll call on Wednesday. I didn’t want you to be worried about me, or think that this was my plan to just disappear on you. I also wanted to let you know [our cat] is doing ok.
I regret not kissing you hello.
I regret not kissing you good-bye.
So yeah it would’ve been awful if we’d split up so early. But have you no respect for my abilities? Do you believe in me at all? I was already doing very difficult things all by myself. I became a single mom while you behaved as a bachelor professor. You took what I had because it suited you. Not to save me. You took what you wanted and left the rest of me behind you.
You said I can choose if I don’t want you. You still have this so wrong. I want what I always wanted: love, respect, faithfulness, trust, and now, freedom. I thought I had those. But you were in control the whole time. It’s not you. It’s what you did to me.
It’s been a while. I thought about you quite a lot since that day two years ago.
You and I.. We had a different sort of relationship. We were both broken people and I was your support and you were mine. Slowly though, we both changed each other. At least, you changed me. We had so many memories. So many nights spent just talking to each other. I enjoyed that. We made each other stronger. At one point, we no longer needed each other. And that’s why that day, I was able to break it off. I didn’t talk to you after that night. I didn’t even bother to contact you.
Then one day, I heard that your dad was in critical health. I didn’t want to at first, but I finally gathered up the courage to call you. I tried to give you hope and honestly if I could, I would have made it all better. But i couldn’t. A few days passed and I heard your dad passed away. You were depressed. That’s what your friends told me cause I never did talk to you. I don’t know why though… I heard you changed after that. You closed yourself shut. After all, your life wasn’t easy even when your dad was alive.
I don’t really know if I miss you. But I regret not being there when you needed a friend. Sometimes, I think back and wonder what would have happened if I stayed your friend. Would I have saved you from your sorrows ? I will never know.
I know you know this. But I will say it again. I loved you a lot. More than I loved anybody. And I don’t know if I will love anybody so much again.
I hope you stay well. Someday, I hope to fix everything with you. It will never be the same, but maybe we could start over…
I hate that I’ve been a force in your life, some killer of spirit. I have never felt such love or affection from you as I did that night that we lay in front of the fire at my house and you just looked at my face for an immeasurable amount of time and touched it. Knowing that it’s my fault that it hasn’t happened since makes me feel terrible. It should be me telling you that you should find someone better. Someone that is less damaged, less–
It feels silly that I know it’s silly to believe in fairy-tale stories but and I will blame Disney for all that conditioning I suffered during my growing up years. You know how it’s so difficult to put down those rose-tinted glasses when one has worn them for the longest time.
All could have been perfect and well if I would meet a nice girl to settle down with pretending we own castles and are rulers of our own kingdoms. Game of Thrones actually changed all of that with the violence and gore plus all that killing…
Anyway, that’s not the point. The major point is that I am not straight… Yes, I am gay and I’ve fallen for you a perfectly straight man in grand delusional hopes that you would love me for who I am. After all, I had read about two straight guys who had fallen in love and that sexuality is fluid so anything’s possible right? Damn Disney…
You’re not exactly Prince Charming material - you know the fair chiselled facial features with white porcelain teeth, etc. - but you are the epitome of a man’s man whom any girl (or guy) would be so lucky to have - polite, scruffy, gruff, gentlemanly, kind and green/blue eyes.
You’ve no idea the countless times I’ve caught myself wishing wistfully when you look so engrossed at work to just kiss you and magically make you mine but I know people would stare and maybe you would mind. I did ask you once if you minded me being gay and being around you but you simply shrugged it off and punched me in the shoulder saying that I would never ever make anyone feel comfortable because I’m a great guy.
Those were the only words I heard and that punch was the only contact we had. I wasn’t sure if I want you to have a girlfriend or anyone because I do wish you’re mine but I want you to be happy and it hurts me when you furrowed your brows after a huge argument with your landlord and you complained that the rent was too expensive.
I would want to live in with you but I don’t know how to talk to you just so you can reduce your rent and I would get to see you every day. Isn’t it a win-win situation you see? I didn’t want to come off as a freak but right now, maybe I’m one.
I want to be there for you, with you, beside you. If only you’d let me…
Will you consider?
But I do. And you took that information and used it to play with me. I gave you everything I had. I became an emotional wreck.
I gave you up and I told you so. Instead of leaving me alone, you pursued me only to mistreat me when I was willing to give you a second chance.
The worst part? I still miss you.
You didn’t think I could let you spew hate on me without replying, did you?
I know what we had, even if you didn’t acknowledge it in words. I know how I felt about you. It surprised me.
You are slutty with your money and then expect everyone to appreciate your “gifts.”
I felt you found many ways to road block my success at
You have a secret code you expect everyone to know Having high standards is great, but your rules need to be explained explicitly. You expected me to act a certain way but couldn’t explain how.
I’m a grownup. No more games. I told you how much I liked you. You make me smile. You’re equally badass and delightfully goofy.
I thought when I was telling you I would help keep you “safe,” it meant emotionally.
You didn’t think your money was going to impress this big American clown, did you?
You are attracted to drama because you are comfortable in chaos. Chaos shuts down the voices.
After saying such terrible things to me –shame on you, by the way– I felt I should have an opportunity to speak my truth.
I’m writing to share with you what you look like from my point of view.
You know how hard I have fought tooth and nail to get back on my feet after a long struggle.
May I suggest that if you want to really make a positive impact on someone’s life, try doing it unconditionally. If you can’t do that, put explicit agreements in place so you’ll never feel taken “advantage of.”
Your power is money and you use it to control people. Instead of talking your feelings out, you pull your “gifts” away.
You said several times that we “never had a relationship,” as if that would cripple me. Silly man, you are the only who couldn’t accept we had. You saying that we didn’t have a relationship didn’t hurt me, it made me pity you. You must really be suffering.
You, too, are a pauper. You have a poverty of love. You don’t think you deserve great love, much like I used to feel I didn’t deserve great wealth. Both are lies we tell ourselves because it’s easier than doing the fucking work to make awesome things happen.
You couldn’t value what I brought to the table because you thought I was doing it for your money. I thought I had found a friend who understood that I needed to get back on my feet, to do my own thing.
You can’t even be honest with your executive assistant. I think you were ashamed of your feelings for me.
You want freedom, autonomy, I get that. I really get that.
When you pulled over to the side of the ride to call me to tell me you thought you had real feelings for me…I was so touched. Yet, I knew that it would be difficult for me
You confuse obedience with love.
I have my own journey. In March, you needed help from me and I was showing up in a big way for someone else… and myself.
You wanted me to do things but without telling me what those things were.
I was up to the challenge. I didn’t flip out when you barely responded to my texts for a month. I was put in an uncomfortable place of not wanting to bug you too much, while knowing you were hurting from your divorce dates.
I can still feel the dirty look you shot me when you couldn’t open the lock at
The only thing I really wanted from you was kindness, transparency, and authenticity. You think I am “fake” but I am not. I am real. I am also human.
Explicit agreements and two-way communication, those are the key things you need to succeed in a relationship.
As it turns out, you did make an impact in my life. You reminded me that I need to keep my standards high, and to get everything in writing.
It is the beginning of a very happy ending for you,
I saw you for how you really are, warts and all, and still loved you. I only asked the same.
Do I want to be friends? Yes. Do I want to have you in my life? Yes.
Can I do so and still have respect for myself? No, absolutely not. This is the end of the road for us,
Te acabo de poner nombre, hace rato lo pensé hubieras sido una linda Agata, tal vez pensé en el nombre que tu papá nunca me hubiera dejado ponerte, hubiera dicho parece nombre de viejita, creo en su cabeza te llamas Thor, por la misma razón por la cual para mi eres Agata.
Estuviste en nuestra vida durante dos semanas, te esfumaste más rápido de lo que llegaste y pusiste mi vida de cabeza.
No es justo culparte a ti de todo, aunque a veces es más fácil, a veces quisiera que no hubieras aparecido y me ahorraría este dolor.
Hoy no duele, pero me doy cuenta que no estoy bien, con las pocas personas que hablo de ti me ven con cara de pobrecita y me aseguran que voy a estar bien.
Y ¿si no? ¿qué va a pasar conmigo? ¿seguiré siendo este desaste? el cual no puede sentarse a trabajar y divaga quesque trabajando toda la mañana esperando que llegue la hora para hacer de comer, cocinar, después comer, recoger la cocina si bien nos va y después dormir una larga siesta, ver la tele y esperar a que tu papá llegue para hacer la interminable rutina del ¿qué quieres cenar?
Por eso pensé en escribir y después pensé que sería buena idea escribirte a ti. Tu sabes como me siento, y no puedo atormentar más a tu papá, lo voy a volver loco, no es bueno para nuestra relación y seamos sinceras, tu papá no entiende mucho sobre mis interminables chaquetas mentales. Así que ahora te tocará leerme a ti donde quiera que estés. Sé tal vez esto no es muy saludable te tengo que dejar ir, pero tal vez esto me ayuda a hacerlo.
Siempre vas a estar en mi ❤
This is going to be super weird.. But I must say this. I think.
I think about you a lot. I miss you. I think I’m in love with you. Or, at the very least, I’m in love with the idea of you. Maybe I’m just clinging on to you because you were the first (and only) one that loved me too. Yes, we were young. We (well, me anyway) probably didn’t realise what it meant. But still… You meant a lot to me.
This message is rather strange and unexpected, I’m sure. I mean, we haven’t seen each other in 10 years (or even spoke!) I don’t even know what your favourite food, or color, movie, song, or band is.. But still… I still think about the things we said to each other. How things could’ve been different. I know it’s crazy. I know. I know you’re married now and you have kids. I’m happy for you. Genuinely. I’m really happy for you.
Why am I sending this? What’s the point? I don’t know. I just feel I need to say it. I don’t have a lot of people in my life and I just want you to know how I feel. Some day, when you’re feeling down, or bad, or feel like nothing can go right.. Just know that there is someone that cares. Someone who thinks you’re awesome and pretty. Intelligent. Perfect. :)
We sometimes drive on the same road home after work. The first time I saw you.. I almost rolled the car. I froze. Time, (and my heart!) stood stil. I cannot describe it. It’s like an arrow pressing through my chest. Every. Time.
I don’t think you saw me.
I remember that time at the mall. You sat at a restaurant and I walked past and our eyes met. It felt like an eternity. My heart has never pounded that fast. I would give anything to know what you were thinking in that moment. Although, you’ve probably long since forgotten that moment.
I wish I could talk to you again. Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to say.
I just want you to know how I feel. I hope you don’t think it’s weird. Or out of place. I hope you can appreciate it.
Good night. Happy new year. I wish you all the best!
I am guessing by now you have gotten paperwork from the court indicating the divorce is final. Since I had gotten a few emails from you in the past few months, I think a part of me expected to hear something from you after I knew paperwork had been delivered to you. It is also possible you imagine I don’t want to hear from you and are giving me space. A part of me also wonders if you’re in denial and don’t want to acknowledge the divorce, and writing any kind of goodbye to me would be too hard for you.
The biggest part of me feels incredibly used by you, that you acknowledged only what you wanted to and not reality. Sometimes I feel like I was just a reflective surface to you although I believe you truly loved me. I tip toed around you to protect your emotions meanwhile having no where to put my own. And that’s my fault for taking that role. Most of me feels like there is no point writing you as you won’t ever understand, and I don’t need you to. But there remains this small part of you for me, the part that holds my happiest memories and the absolute incredibly real love and bond I have for you. I write to that part for my own sake. Now that time has gone by and I realize I won’t hear from you.
When we got married we said out beyond right doing and wrong doing there is a field and we would meet each other there. While too much damage is done and I am too hurt to remain married, or in contact with you, I continue to see you beyond wrongdoings. Despite how incredibly angry I have been with you at times, I continue to see you as I always did, as a good man.
All of this was incredibly hard from me. From the way you responded to my valid pain and reactions, to the lack of respect I got in how careful and giving I was in tending your emotions. Deciding to get divorced was hardest decision of my entire life. It took time to get there, days without appetite and weeks of uncontrollable tears. To hear you question multiple times how much I loved you was the hardest thing I’ve ever heard or been confronted with. This was the last thing I expected for us. I hope that the next person you love you are honest with, and I hope your family is honest with her, that she not be kept from secrets the way I was.
I hope you have found peace within yourself like you wanted and no matter how much anger I feel during times of great pain I really am not angry at you at all. I feel for the pain you carried and I am sorry we both had to go through something so gut wrenching and painful. Divorce and our marriage is not something I can push aside and forget. Divorce has changed my life in away nothing else ever has, my life is now divided in “before” and “after.”
I wish the absolute best for you and I carry the happiest moments of my life from our marriage inside even though acknowledging them brings pain. I have learned a great deal from us, about myself, and find meaning in the growth I’ve endured. I hope you do as well.
I still want you in my arms, and every night I had panic attacks from not getting texts from you… and this has to stop. I want to forget everything. I’ll try my very best to never text you again, and I hope you do the same for me. But then again, it’s easy for you to ignore me because you have other girls to fuck around, and you only come back to me when you’re in a location near me, so I guess the hard part is for me.
Lucky you I’ll still need to send you the presents I promised, otherwise you’ll never hear from me ever again. Enjoy the mixtape I’ve made with all my heart, and the handmade shirt, and the Cyndaquil badge I’ve bought for you, those are your farewell gifts. I wish I never met you.
Los días pasan, y sigo esperando un mensaje. Ese mensaje. Todavía no puedo creer que se haya ido aunque la siento cerca. La extraño mi amiga del alma, todos los días la recuerdo. El otro día pensé en que no entendía porque me sentía tan triste sin usted, depronto estaba exagerando finalmente no viviamos en la misma ciudad hace años. Pero me encontré con millones de fotos, de recuerdos y me reiteré a mi misma que es una de las amistades más grandes que ha existido. Que fuimos y seremos hermanas del alma y que siempre la extrañaré.
Sabes, extraño tu recuerdo.
¿Sabes por qué?
Porque yo se que para ti te está siendo fácil el olvidarte de mi.
Porque tu si tienes miles de cosas en que distraerte.
Porque a ti no te duele el hecho de saber que te hicieron a un lado.
Y me odio a mi misma por no poder sacarte de mi mente. De dejar de pensarte
De seguir adelante.
No puedo sentirme plenamente feliz con mi vida porque arrancaste un enorme pedazo de ella cuando decidiste irte y no luchar por lo nuestro.
Lo peor de todo es que estoy decepcionada de lo nuestro, y aun así no puedo olvidarte.
I am sorry for writing you. I know you don’t want me to. You made that extremely clear when you blocked me on every social media. To this day, I am still wondering where I went wrong. It’s been two years and I can’t seem to move on.
I will never forget when made me cry in front of my colleagues and told me that I had to be strong. I never understood how someone so close to me can be so distant. I am sorry I couldn’t open up about my battles with depression and suicidal thoughts. I thought that will drive you away. I had to be the perfect girl. The girl you always thought I was. You took care of me when I didn’t even think I needed to be cared for. You cooked for me, washed my hair and body, even dried and brushed my hair.
I don’t know what happened to you when one night you didn’t want to kiss me for goodnight’s sleep. I don’t know what change you so instantly. I am sorry I didn’t take my stuff and left in the morning like my gut feeling said. I am sorry I came back to you in the evening and bawled my eyes out when you seemed extremely angry at me. I am sorry I wasn’t able to be a better girlfriend. I am sorry for not knowing what I did wrong.
Two years later I am still here wondering what turned you away? Did your friend tell you to leave me because I did not seem like a girl who knew what she was doing in her life?
I don’t know how many times I have checked your social media accounts to see what you are up to and how you are doing. I wanted to message you and apologise for not being who you wanted me to be.
In case you are wondering, what happened to me, I dated several men. But none of them were you. I couldn’t even think of being in a relationship because I always thought I will never be good enough for anyone. I didn’t think I was worth being genuinely loved by someone. I didn’t think I was worth anything in this life.
Two years later and I am still looking for the answers. I guess all I need to move on is for you to say that I was enough for you but you wanted someone different.
I know we were never meant to get married. You were never the one but I guess in my head I portrayed you better than you were in real life.
I hope your new girlfriend will make you feel loved and have that perfect relationship you always wanted. I hope she is better in every way than I ever was.
Let me just say that I did care for you. I really did, I really was your friend and I never wanted to hurt you, but you’ve hurt me and I need to think of myself, I need to do this for myself.
We’ve know each other for 5 years, and I find myself trying to remember how it felt at the beginning, the excitement (?) of a new friendship and how it felt to have someone new in my life that inspired me in so many ways, just to try to not yell at you every time we talk, just to keep myself from running away from this city so I never see you again. I try to remember the good things about us, but it’s like grasping at straws.. useless.
At first, when our friendship started to turn bad, I understood you were going through a hard break-up, but when everything you said to me made me feel like a horrible person for being in a healthy relationship, for not being broke, it didn’t make sense anymore. I felt so bad for you, but you had a way of emotionally blackmailing me to get me to do everything you wanted, to make yourself feel better, the victim, always the victim. It made me feel like I had to tip-toe around you, but, still, I tried. I tried to understand, to be sensitive, I tried to be honest and it so often backfired on me that I just ended up doing what ever you wanted and agreeing with you so I wouldn’t feel worse.
It’s fine, I still feel like maybe I did something wrong with our friendship even when everyone keeps telling me it’s not me, it’s you.
And why do you always interrupt me when I’m speaking? You do that, a lot, it’s always about you. Always. You didn’t even care when my dad got sick and i was so sad about what would happen, you didn’t care. Didn’t ask.
Honestly, no wonder you end up with no friends after a while, no wonder they, we, all leave you. You’re a bad friend, so selfish, so toxic.
I was trying to be honest. I was trying to be your friend. I guess this is good bye.
It was really nice talking to you last night. In some ways, it was as if we never stopped and in others I was very guarded. Perhaps you and T can laugh about this email too.
While I lied and hurt you - and am responsible for a great deal of what caused our demise, and I think we have acknowledged we both played a part in that and I don’t think any further conversation is needed regarding that. You seemed to have moved on, went home, had another girlfriend for awhile and went back to living the life you had. Happy or not - you moved on.
I didn’t recover that fast. The point you made in Miami was heard and felt loud and clear for months. I am only now almost 3 years later beginning to move on. Beginning to think that I could love or be in a relationship with someone again. I only NOW started to move on from you - and in the blink of an eye, you somehow can come back in and threaten to destroy all that I have worked for until this point - and that scares me, for myself.
I love you
I’m scared. I haven’t been scared about the state of us since radio silence, beginning and during. The night at xxxxxxxxx, I was able to be strong and confident and know that I was doing the right thing in telling you to do what you needed to take care of yourself, even if it meant not being together. It hurt and it was hard but I knew I was doing the right thing. Now… I still want those things for you, for me, for both of us – but something is different. It’s harder, more painful; the pending fear is bigger, I’m a little anxious and immobilized. I’m drowning in shoulds. Should we have gotten married? Should I have known better, done something differently? Should I have been better able to see how you weren’t ready, and make room for it? Everything is clearer in hindsight, as usual… I don’t know. For the first time, I really don’t know where we are at, what this means, I pushed into some tough feelings around some needs I was having this morning and somehow we wound up here? I guess this has been coming? Maybe I didn’t see it? Maybe I didn’t want to see it?
Part of me wonders if this is just a continuation of the pattern: me, presented again with something that might not be quite the right fit, being overwhelmed by it and doing it anyway, and all of it ending in bettering myself and the other person before we ultimately both move on. Is it happening again? Is dating really why you took your ring off? I can’t help but shake this idea that there’s so much you’re not saying / can’t say / are afraid to let out. You’re right: we aren’t flourishing. I feel like I get a little better day by day, week by week; I’m afraid that being with me is what’s keeping you stuck. We’ve talked about all this before.
Hi Angie -
I’m so sorry for your pain. I will do what I can to help you, and thank you for understanding how painful this is for me too –this has been, by far, the most painful and confusing experience of my life, as I’m sure it is for you too. I lost 12 pounds in two weeks when I found out, and I’m not a big person, (and I was even dating someone else)!
Please understand that I really don’t want to know more about your relationship. It’s nothing personal. I think you are probably a wonderful person. It just took me a lot of work and struggle to get to this very good place now, and I’m never going back there and don’t want to relive or question any of it.
Here’s the insight I can offer:
First of all, you should get the book “The Gift of Betrayal” by Eve Wood. Read it all asap. I swear you will feel better and it will help you to understand how this all happened. You’re just going to have to learn to live with the fact that you will never understand him or what his true motives or intentions were for any of this. You will never get closure on this. But what you can do is learn your role in it and what drew you to him (and him to you) and how to avoid people like him in the future. You are not alone.
Ben is not normal. And I don’t think it’s just Aspergers. I am fairly certain he has a personality disorder on top of that. I will leave it to you to decide if you agree or not, and what that disorder is - it doesn’t matter to me what anyone else thinks at this point. I know what I lived through. When he got caught, the way he responded to me was so cold and inhumane, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before in a human being. And I know a lot of people. It was utterly chilling. And before that, he had never been anything but really really sweet to me. Never once had he been anything close to mean.
It left me convinced that our entire relationship was fake. He was just using me for the game of it all - most of all for the attention I’m sure, but also he must have loved the risk. Just like his addiction to poker. It must have been thrilling for him to concoct so many lies and be able to manipulate me so masterfully. To be able to respond to me like that when I confronted him, he had to have no conscience and no empathy. There was no sense of guilt and any true apology - it all felt very disingenuous. There was nothing real or compassionate about it - he was not remorseful or ashamed in any way. He was just hellbent on saving his ass and concocting some sort of story that you all could accept as somewhat plausible so you didn’t think he was a psychopath, and he had absolutely no problem throwing me under the bus the second it suited him. He’s really pretty much dead to me. I never understood it when people said that before, but now I do. The person I knew was not a real person. He was a fabrication. And the real person behind the facade is not at all someone I want to have anything to do with in my life.
After we broke up, I had to try to make sense of the relationship because it made no sense at all to me. We always had an amazingly fun time together. We never fought. We were in constant contact, even if we were long distance. You read our emails, you know. I really felt like he loved me. I really thought he was my best friend (even long after the breakup - ha!) Every single weekend we spent together we got closer, but then he would make it harder to schedule the next time together. It was the weirdest thing. And his health kept getting worse and worse (was that part made up too?). I always thought Ben had PTSD from 911 (and how much of that part was true? I really don’t trust that any of it was real) and I’ve had a lot of trauma and know a lot about it, so I just thought if I was gentle and patient and safe enough, he would eventually be able to really open up to me.
This wasn’t just a case of someone cheating. This is someone who thrived on duplicity. And he panicked once I told him I wanted to spend the summer in the west and then move to NYC. He knew he couldn’t pull it off if you and I were both in the same city. But I think he kept in contact with me because he still liked the attention. It was very confusing.
So, basically I will never understand him or what went on. He won’t be able to give you an answer. He can justify all his actions with his lies. He’s a very good actor. When I thought it was just Aspergers, it was when I saw him as a really sweet person, someone who meant well, but who just wasn’t wired to need what we need. But after his cruelty with me, I really have no idea. I think it’s much worse.
One thing I would love from you is the name and address of his therapist. I really want to write that guy and tell him the extent of the damage that Ben inflicts on people. He needs to know that this isn’t a harmless game for Ben that the therapist is enabling. There are people’s lives at stake, and because he chooses vulnerable, really nice people who are really trusting, he is someday going to cause someone serous harm. I know that I was extremely lucky to be out of it when I found out – I had a new boyfriend who is very kind and loving to me and he saved me. And I hope that because you have your kids, you can put your energy into them and not focus on him and the bad stuff he did. But someday he will victimize someone who can’t handle it. And it’s unconscionable that this therapist supports his behavior. I was abused as a child and have always struggled with believing that I was lovable enough. I suspect you have some of the same issues, which is why we were so easily manipulated and would both tolerate the paucity of true affection he put out. He knew how to play us. But that doesn’t mean his therapist should be encouraging his behavior. I believe he needs to know how it feels from the other side. If you know his full name or any information at all for him, I would greatly appreciate it.
Hang in there - it will get better. You will find someone who is so much better for you, and you will never again accept someone who is so unable to love or even really feel anything for anyone else. I’ll be thinking of you and wish you all the best.
ps - get that book!
I’d really love to see you (more than you probably know), but I can’t. I thought I could just be friends, but my silly heart won’t let me. I had so much fun with you the last time we got together, then you leave and I continue to think about you, which makes dating and trying to move forward rather challenging. And as hard as this is for me to do, I need to do what’s best for me and that is to say goodbye. I wish you so much happiness, Johnny. Maybe we’ll see each other at an event or something in the future. Until then, take care. :)
I’m sorry you grew up with no one teaching you how to treat woman.
I’m sorry you had to go through certain events in your life which made you a person who couldn’t trust anyone, not even your girlfriend.
I’ve tried so many ways in trying to gain your trust but I guess the more I try the more it destroys everything we had.
May you find that love of your life whom you could eventually trust and love whole heartedly.
All right, to whoever keeps sending me links to dating sites. STOP DOING THAT, OK? I know I should find a girlfriend, but it doesn’t work for me this way. Live and let live, please.
Jerry, this is the part where it starts to hurt. I need so much for you to respond to me so I don’t feel like this is some cheap affair that doesn’t mean anything to you. But you won’t. So, usually I give up and stop reaching out, start to feel like I’m finally moving on while you ignore me for a few weeks, and then you’ll text me something short like ‘how are you’ and I’ll fall right back into old habits and everything repeats itself leaving me worse off each time.
This is not what I want for us. I want love that doesn’t have to hide. I want you to come home to me, not sneak off to see me. So, I’m doing what we both know I should-I’m going to block your number. After this, I won’t get your messages. I love you so fiercely and that makes this feel impossible to handle but I have to try because you aren’t showing me love in return and I can’t love you enough for both of us.
I’ll still hope, of course…That someday I’ll wake up to an email from you explains that things have changed and we can be together and the hopeless romantic in me will soar.
why are you so far away? everything would be perfect if there were just this… if i was in love. in love with the one i’m with.
if it weren’t so hot and the environment wasn’t in such bad shape. if i had a car, with windows down and a slurpee. if i could find something to get excited about. or remove that urge. the urge to want more, the urge to fill it up with something else. i want to run away so much, i want to find something, i want to end something, start something. i feel like something has gone missing, something got shaken loose, something has been deleted. and i think it was something important. i think it was something that held it together.
Dear Science, World, Time, Space and Logic,
I am writing this letter to tell you that he is gone. I am writing to tell you that you can breathe again, nobody is going to bother you anymore. He is gone and now is the moment where I finally sit down to explain you why so many times you called me without response.
You, dear Time, I want to tell you that with him I found new ways to measure hours and that we managed to prove that five in the morning is early for somebody who has found a way to explain with eyes closed that you can dream while staying awake. When you find what you have been looking for, the days are not days and nights are not nights anymore. Sometimes ten years pass before the morning comes. I wanted to tell you that he used his watch only to time the entrance of spring in Madrid. Even your cold Decembers were not cold enough to freeze our hearts beating to the rhythm of Mighty Oaks. I want to tell you that they have lied to you and that you do not really cure anything and that during those infinite two years you were something we were only laughing about with every delayed airplane as if you thought you could steal us a minute of our glory.
Dear Space, your distances were never long enough and the beds were always too small. I want you to know that for him there was no measure of being by my side and all your kilometres were not enough to let me be cold. To you, dear Logic, I want to tell you that if somebody intelligent enough steals your reason, it shows you that all your truths are lies. I want to tell you I am sorry I did not listen to you when you were telling me it was impossible for us to last but if I would have listened, I would have nothing to say right now. And you, World, I am sorry that we forced you to understand that you are not as big as you think.
Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That’s what it was like for me. I didn’t plan on falling in love with him, and I doubt if he planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’d never forget a single moment of it.
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes you reach for more, that plants on fire in your heart and bring peace to your minds and that’s exactly what he has given me. He is gone now but I would have done it all exactly the same all over again because he was the best one.
My dear Dreamer, I would have chosen you again, cause you were the best one.
I wanted to say more to you this morning but find it hard sometimes to speak aloud things that are more easily articulated on paper.
Marty was a beautiful boy. It is a tragedy that he was with us for such a short time. But in his eighteen years, he managed to make his mark. His intellect, his humor, his kindness, his curiosity always lurked behind his gentle smile.
On stage, he captivated me. Did you know that I worked for a professional children’s theater company? That I’ve seen countless gifted and talented young performers? Marty was different. His timing, yes. But also this thing that he could do that eludes so many actors – being able to express himself verbally while simultaneously reacting physically. His sonorous voice combined with his gracefully gawky movements to completely disarm the audience. A young Dick Van Dyke. Bob Dylan with a harp and guitar.
Such a talent. My favorite of all his performances was in The Violet Hour. His character carried with him a lifetime of experience. Maybe it wasn’t an act. Maybe Marty was an old soul inhabiting a young man’s body.
I only wish his young body had survived. I wish he could have become an old soul.
He has left a hole in my heart. There will never be another like him.
Which period(s) of then-contemporary literature, if any, would you argue suffer from “thematic poverty”? “Thematic poverty” is defined as fiction whose substance lacks (either comparatively or absolutely) anything interesting, insightful, novel, meaningful, or innovative.
(A) The Premodernists (pre-20th century)
(B) The Modernists (quintessential example: Ulysses)
(C) The First-Wave Postmodernists (quintessential example: Catch-22)
(D) The Second-Wave Postmodernists (post-Vietnam-ish extending potentially to the present)
(E) Post-Postmodernists (quintessential example: Infinite Jest)
i’ve never been in this situation before, but i figure since it’s probably already obvious i may as well go ahead and be proactive….
basically i’ve got a crush on you. but since you’re probably soon to be a coworker, i’m sorta unsure what to do.
if i asked you on a date, would that be welcome? if the answer is no for any reason, it’s totally cool, i just wanted to get this off my chest :)
Hoy, no sé quien eres, pero definitivamente no eres aquel que bajo todo pronóstico hizo hasta lo imposible para que yo me enamorara de él y que me convirtió en la mejor versión de mi. El que me dio estas alas que hoy poseo y el que me enseñó a volar. El que se impregnó en mi ser.
Aquel que se compartía conmigo, que se interesaba por mi, que me cuidaba, que me dedicaba un poco de tiempo, que hacía lo imposible por estar conmigo. Aquel que tenía el alma de poeta, que sentía intensamente y que alguna vez me amó. Aquel que era mi refugio, mi red de seguridad y mi partner incondicional.
Hoy (y como siempre) te ofrezco todo lo que soy y todo lo que tengo y tu me ofreces nada a cambio. Es un mal trato y tu lo sabes, uno doloroso y uno desventajoso. No lo acepto.
No sé a dónde te fuiste, ni por que lo hiciste. Y no me vengas con que “lo que ves es lo que hay” y “este soy yo y no hay mas” es mentira. YO TE VIVÍ, ardí en una hoguera contigo. Hoy no te reconozco.
Si alguna vez regresa ese hombre del cual estoy enamorada, dile que lo estoy esperando y que sabe cómo encontrarme, que soy suya y que siempre lo seré, hasta que el universo estalle…
I know this is not about me.
But I’m fucking obscenely angry at you. You made me an unknown accomplice in your heinous acts. You knew what you were going to do even if you didn’t want to admit it to yourself at the time. You knowingly hurt the one person who would lay her life down for you - do anything for you. You are not a man. You are a fucking child. You don’t deserve a single further second of her time or energy.
Go fuck yourself.
I miss you Dad.
do not believe he will change someday and understand. no, he will not. he is a piece of frozen fish, remember? enjoy everything he gives you - breathtaking smile, small unexpected gifts, Sunday pancakes, gorgeous sex… he has so much good - just do not mention those rare bad days. and - he makes you better)
I’m using the new year as an excuse for a brief aside.
I hope you are good.
That you still enjoy yourself with your new occupations and your new accomplices.
I’ll never say enough how much I’m happy for you that you are doing this now :)
I wish you a lot of great things.
This year is a turning point for both of us, and I so much want everything to go well for you.
I wish you to succeed in anything you will undertake next.
I wish you to be happy.
A happy new year, for short.
I love you.
hey, it’s just me..
just wanted to say that i regret never kissing u back that day
things seemed to be moving so fast and we were too young
i’ll never forget the way u walked out, u hesitated, waiting..
but i couldn’t move or get myself to look at u back the way u looked at me
when i walked into that room yesterday (after what like 2 years?)
and saw you sitting there, that was just the first thing that popped into my head
“i should’ve kissed u back.”
u were just the beginning though, it’s just taking me a damn long time to learn to love other ppl back the way they love me because i’m still just learning to love myself.. i hope one day i can kiss back the way i should’ve kissed u back
Dawning on me now that it’s really real. My bestie has passed away…
I keep pouring out tears, but I’ve got to say the memory of her love keeps filling me up.
Thank you Bestie for the friendship of a lifetime. I know you will continue to inspire me, strengthen me, and dazzle me from the stars. Know that I will continue to love you (and your family), confide in you, and seek out your gorgeous spirit around every corner as I live on.
Loving you always, to bits and pieces, up and down highways, in words and in hugs, through brokenness and joy, with every ounce of my heart…
<3 Lil Big
This is the worst feeling. I’m in a haze between awake and asleep, and I don’t think that there’s anything that will make me feel better. Not food, not sex, not music, not yoga, not work. I’m at work because it kinda takes my mind off of everything, but I feel sick to my stomach, and I either want to cry or sleep, but I have too much pride to do either. I’m supposed to be strong, I’m supposed to not let this get to me. “Jane can get through this all on her own.”
I don’t know how I let you do this to me. It’s all of the pain I felt every time I knew you cared about her more, compounded. When you told me that you were over her a long time ago, I shouldn’t have listened. I’ll bet that if I were to call you right now, you’d quickly hide your phone from her and say “Sorry, I don’t know why she’s calling,” and keep on with your weekend. Will you hold her hand under the stars and sing John Legend songs, the way you’ve done before with me, because it makes her feel like somehow she’s special and that there’s some soulful connection between you two?
I know that I’m accusing you based only on the testimony of one person, who heard it from someone, who heard it from someone else. It’s flimsy evidence compared to all the time we’ve spent together, all of the happy moments and all those times you’ve proven to me that you love me. But you didn’t deny it. You didn’t say “No, I didn’t sleep with her. Please believe me. I love you.” All you could say was “Mary wouldn’t talk about something like that”—which leads me to think you just didn’t expect anyone to find out.
I feel awful.
We’re two people that despite everything, have never been able to let go of eachother, even holding on by a pinky grasp through circumstances and events that have ruined lesser couples, we were still somehow entwined in feelings, unconditional, real and inexpiable. It defied reason, logic and better sense given our age and lack of life experience. But those feelings have been replaced with your need to keep me stringing along – pulled out for a quick verbal spat when I’m back in your presence for longer than a moment and actively participating in a conversation. It seems you don’t want me, and you don’t know what to do with me when you have me. Reverting to old abuse and disrespect comes so easy and feels so natural, I can’t truly believe you feel or even remember what it feels like to really delight in my presence and love and support me. I surely cannot and it breaks me every time I think back further that a few years.
But I need to let go. Because holding on to a version of you and our relationship that isn’t even a smithereen of what we truly had and once nourished, isn’t good. I can’t expect you to work on yourself enough to be that boy any more. It’s not fair to secretly hope you will open your eyes tomorrow and change anymore. And I shouldn’t hope that of you when I am the way I am either. I won’t take that risk if you won’t.
That’s all that’s left. This magical mystery tour of us being in the same city is coming to an end. You’re leaving. And I’m broken.
I try to be strong, to show people that I have so much else going on that the time apart will pass like nothing. But I can’t ignore the fact that for almost a year now all I wanted was the chance for us to be together. And I got that. It happened. Against all odds, and despite my own craziness, we had our moment. We dated, we kissed, we cooked breakfasts and did crosswords in each other’s arms.
And it’s ending.
We have kept one another at arms length, I know that was self preservation on my end, I don’t know if it was for you as well. We didn’t dive deep, we didn’t jump off the cliff. Instead we peered over the edge, held hands, and looked into each other’s eyes with an understanding. Not yet. We can’t jump yet.
I am grateful for all of it, I regret nothing, I just can not believe how quickly the time went.
We aren’t great at being vulnerable. I know that, I create that. I’m just trying to survive this as best I can.
This hurts. I wish it didn’t but it hurts, I let you in. My heart is so happy around you, and will be so lost without you.
I just needed you to know this before you left - so you know that this, for me, was real.
Signed, sealed, and never delivered from 2013
—- found on my trash mail —-
Sorry if you got a missed call from me today. My phone is going crazy, guess too hot or whatever.
Regarding to yesterday… I guess you are not the biggest mistake I have ever made, but the way you were acting since I left Lima made my life even more complicated than it had been here anyway.
I know that you don’t want to see that you have made any mistakes, but you did and all the anger and the frustration especially about the fact, that you don’t even want to listen my opinion about things had to get out. I am sorry that you are hurt now, but I am feeling better even if I just yelled on your mailbox.
Piensas en que me odias por qué te abandoné, a tí. y eso no puede ser… cómo es posible? es inesperado, esperabas que siempre estuviera ahí. le duele al ego No me quieres a mi, amas que te quiera y como lo hago; tengo muchas funcionalidades y puedo ser útil de muchas formas.
Tengo un problemita, y es que como que cuando quiero y me encarreto; hago cosas muy raras, como que hago muchos regalos y siempre estoy ahí y hago dibujos y no me importa nadaaablabla. Es algo que claramente asusta, me asusta a mi y asusto a la gente. No sé cuando parar, no sé cuando es suficiente y al tiempo me decepciona, como que pongo un nivel todo videoso que nadie nunca puede alcanzar y eso me frustra y termino echándome la culpa a mi mismo.
What’s going on Michster?
How’s your fall going? Sad the warm weather has left us?
Any details about your newfound auntiness?
Congrats, by the way. That’s pretty exciting news. I just got back from spending a week with my niece. She’s walking now, and talking a lot of crazy jibberish stories, but they’re all still awesome. She’s got a love for books and playing airplane. It’s good times. I’ve got a new position with GNR. It’s pretty strategic, and involves a lot of creative new big ideas… pretty fun stuff! I’d love to tell you all about it when I see you next.
Any travels lately? Still planning a big trip
How’s work going? Getting a lot of time with clients?
Have a great weekend!
It is when
I’m on the floor
staring into the corner
attempting to cry
yet no tears flow
It is when
I smile at the sight of food
taking the first bite
only to find
your face creeping
into my mind
ruining my appetite
It is when
I roll up a joint
sealing it shut
only to realise
you’re still on my mind
It is when
I hold my phone
checking my texts
of a reply
only to discover
It is when
I play music
belting my heart out
only to find
it’s still about you
It is when
I cut off
leeways and paths
only to face
of our past
It is when
I cry for you to leave
to have you
right in front of me
I loved you babe, we probably could have gotte- no we should have gotten married. But I had some issues I needed to resolve, I needed to grow up. It wasn’t you, like I made it appear to be….it was me. Never blame yourself or think it was your fault or something you said or did. It was me. You deserve better. Go find it….please.
Thank you for sending me the card. It was beautiful - I love how intricate it was and I can tell how much time you put into making it.
Sometimes when I see them I feel sad, thinking about how much you can love someone, enough to make them works of art that they can’t even be bothered to thank you for because they are too overwhelmed with their lives and their own feelings. How you might think I’m better than I actually am, or maybe just see the person that I could be. It makes me feel guilty for not being that person, and then annoyed and more guilty for not being able to just appreciate a stupid card.
I want to be a better person in your life, and in everyone’s lives. Thank you. I will try to send this email for real at some point. Maybe without all the feelings stuff.
PS. The confetti’s always a nice touch.
If you can’t move on it (a job, a relationship, a decision) in the vibrational stage, then don’t move toward it.
NO is the right answer.
“I have to say NO b/c I’m not in the right place for us to have a good outcome. Not b/c there’s something wrong with you, but b/c I haven’t come to the resolution that I need to be at in order for us to have the fantastic time that I NOW demand of myself. I have to have fun…and if I don’t feel it, I can’t move on it.”
so im having a really hard time right now. and its not just because we’re over but yea, that is a big part. its this house, and this school and everything. and the fact that it feels like ilost a best friend. it all sucks so much. and you seem to want nothing to do with me. and maybe you ust need more time before you can talk to me but i just need some sort of idea. if were never talking again then ok thats how it is. if you just need some more time,then ok. but cant you just at least tell me that much. i dont know how this works. i dont know what to do with myself. everyone keeps telling me this is better and itll get easier but what the hell am i supposed to do until then. who am i supposed to talk to when the one person i want to spill my heart to wont even listen. i dont know what im looking for anymore
Dear Store Owner,
For the last five years I have been ordering The Sandwich from your humble station.
This item is not on your menu; in fact, I invented it. It consists of chicken cutlet, fresh mozzarella, lettuce, tomato, a little bit of mayo, and ranch OR balsamic vinaigrette dressing. I believe that no other person orders this sandwich other than yours truly.
You must be a man of true principles because your ingredients are always fresh and of the highest quality. The loaf emits a glow like that of the sun during golden hour. Your tomatoes stop me dead in my tracks like a woman in a red dress. And the fresh mozzarella… after being seduced by it, I believe that the word fresh should be used sparingly to not reduce the luster of this truth. All of these ingredients form to create a symphony in my mouth. If I could, I would double-fist these sandwiches and not allow myself to breath, for it would be an honorable death.
I’ve been coming to your store since it has opened and have not expressed my love for your craftsmanship. I judge a place by their sandwich. You have surpassed all standards of sandwich-making. I salute you.
I wasn’t supposed to be there that night but destiny had other plans. The date was July 12, 7+12 = 19. We bonded over “The Autobiography” and classical music while night riding through the summer streets of BK. Two sleeps later, we met again and you gifted me Richard Wright. 300+ pages, I consumed with more focus than anything I had read all year. The following week, Coates had us both missing train stops and quoting struggles you felt deeply for coming up black in America and I felt deeply because when you get cut, I bleed. We shared Baldwin, then Hampton, then Mr B, then Baldwin again.
You taught me to swing from the bars, and invited me to your show, then I gave you my skipping rope and invited you to my show. We honored Mr B at the Apollo and clapped until our hands became raw but soon after, my love met your fear and we fell back. A reality I struggled with but tried so hard to embrace. We broke new ground at the new year with Lauryn, and more Baldwin and dinner and Robeson. Then we exhaled and we embraced and we kissed and it was good. While we brought each other freedom, we also brought each other fear.
You dipped one foot in, but you couldn’t step to me with both, which hurt, but I would sooner die than clip your wings. I wasn’t brave enough to tell you how I loved you in the moment, because I was afraid you didn’t love me back…So now you’re on a different path and I’m forced to let you go. Our time was so brief and my heart wasn’t expecting you, but you came and opened it up, and I loved you for it. You said I changed your life, but I say, you changed mine. You said other things, I will keep close to my heart for the rest of my life.
I have faith in the universe bringing us back together one day, when the dust settles, and it will be positive, and light. It might not be in this life but Beyonce is a black radical now (finally) so anything could happen. Until then, I love you, protect yourself, speak your truth on stage and dream of Revolution. I promise to do the same from the streets.
Eternal love, Me
I was working late the other night, and there was a conversation on the other side of the office that made me think of you. Working late has been killing me. I should be home making dinner for us or watching some Sherlock together.
This will all be over soon, so maybe it doesn’t matter anyways.