since the moment you have entered my life I have been extremely excited about our future. I know that I think ahead a bit but I know this deep in my heart of hearts that I have finally met you - my one true love. I cannot wait to get married and have our babies crawling around. I can’t wait to live the rest of our lives together. I love you so much

Hi,

How are you? Have you finally changed the job? I do remember you hated your industry so much.

I have been good. Moving back home for good has been the best decision I have made. I know I cut you off and blocked you and then got back in touch with you and then clocked you again… It was selfish of me to do so but you know I couldn’t handle the fact that you never looked at me like I look at you. But I got over it.

Just wanted to thank you actually - remember our night talks? The ones when we bared our souls and spoke about everything and anything? Remember I told you my biggest fear - not being able to have children? Well because of our talks back then - I am able to speak openly with my other half about it. And I told him all. And you know what he told me - that there are ways to have children if I really want them. My heart melted right then.

I went to the doctors to get checked and so far I am ok and able to reproduce. I have never been happier.
Just wanted to say thank you for hearing me then and allow me to speak freely and openly because of that I am able to feel free in my current relationship.

I wish you the best and hope that you will find someone who will help you out even more with your anxiety that I did. You really deserve someone too.

Take care

It has been three years and I do still check up on you. Why? I don’t know.

I saw that you have gotten into a relationship with a foreigner again and I was happy for you. Truly happy. Although it hurt a little (a lot) to admit that I couldn’t make you happy - nor could I have made myself happy in that relationship. It has been interesting several years.

But I have found someone. And I have never experienced this joy before - meeting him was the best thing that has happened to me because I know that our love is the purest form of love that anyone can find. I didn’t know/can’t believe that someone is capable of giving so much love.

Now I get it - there was a plan all along. I had to endure such heartbreaks because I wouldn’t have appreciated the love I have right now.

I am sorry your love story didn’t work out. I don’t know what happened between the two of you but let me tell you that it takes a while for love to find us. You have to open your heart and hope that it coming soon.

I guess this is a goodbye letter. I kept looking to the past because I knew the mistakes I made and it was easy to imagine a scenario where I would have acted differently. It is time for me to say goodbye and not look back to you. I know you are not looking my way either. I guess I became so nostalgic that I have forgotten how everything was. I know my mind is good at painting the past the way it never was - beautifully. These memories I have - they are not real anymore because over the years my mind has tampered with them and adjusted to the way I want them to be.

It is time to let these memories go free and stop looking back.

I have the whole amazing future filled with ever-lasting love ahead of me.

Goodbye for good

Ok, one more thing.

And, this isn’t fully sorted out in my mind yet, so hopefully it makes sense….

We do talk a lot. But to me it feels like the role we’re filling in each other’s lives is a placeholder for intimacy — as opposed to a truly platonic friendship? Is that just me, or do you get that too?

I like it. But placeholders are innately temporary.

What I’m afraid of:
We don’t act platonic. We flirt and sext, but at some point you’re going to meet someone and start flirting/sexting her instead. And that’s good, and normal, and healthy, and how it should be. But when all of a sudden there’s this drop in attention/affection I’m gonna feel….rejected? Used up and replaced? I dunno what the right term is but it won’t be a positive feeling. The dark parts of my mind will start whispering, “See, he just liked having you around for the sex and the nudie pictures, but he doesn’t need those anymore so why should he still want to talk to you.”

So I’d really like to try and actually be fully platonic friends before that happens.

And I don’t like the idea of not being friends anymore once one of us finds someone we want to date — but obviously, when that happens, how we communicate is going to change (as it should). So, I guess I’d rather make that transition to “just friends” before one of us starts dating someone.

I was fifteen. You were IN YOUR TWENTIES. There’s absolutely NO non-pedophilic way to explain you coercing me to finger you, turning my friends against me, even having Mr. Hupp go so far as to say I should be LUCKY that you didn’t tell my parents. Thanks to you, I can’t trust anyone who’s especially cheery and earnest. Try your innocent act all you want, I’ll do my best to tear your ass down for what you did to me four years ago.

I know you cheat on all of your boyfriends, I know you cheated on your ex-fiancee who was wrapped around your finger with Mr. R and I. I know you used me to have someone depend on you, and to destroy me and my niece. I’ll never forget what you did, nor will I ever forgive what you did, and I know the God you believe in will not forgive you either. You are unrepentant, you sent your rabid puppets after me after I refused to stay under your spell, and I can say for certain that when you die, you will not go to heaven. Not saying you’ll go to hell either sweetie, especially what-with your fetish for fictional baddies.. like Pericles from Scooby Doo, Gregory from Gregory Horror Show, David from The Last of Us… Not gonna lie, at least your taste in men matches your fleas.

By the way, I looked up Osteogenesis imperfecta the other day, since you tried using the “how long you have left” excuse against me. You have a normal lifespan, you utter cretin.

Stop faking multiple personalities, stop fucking with people, and get help while you still can, and while I’m still merciful enough to not file lawsuits against you.

P.S. :)

New life, new possibilities.

Remember all that things, you know what many of them are.

What you have done, want what you wish you have done…

Be cool, enjoy, work hard, learn, learn truly and always.

Don’t worry

I still believe there is something there as much as we both are afraid to say anything. We met for a reason.

Black Star, volvé. Un ratito, nos sentamos en el bar de siempre, la mesa de siempre, el whisky lo pago yo, las consecuencias también.

Dear mom,

As an adult I can only now appreciate how much time and love went into making dinner each night, our lunches in the morning and the littlw notes you left for us during our summer holidays as kids. I also think of how much strength you had to grow up with the mother you had and the pain you must have had to endure - I cant even imagine. That takes so much courage to love and conitune on love others.
Not to mention, you help people everyday in your job to realize their own strength… wow, how many people can say that?

You wake up everyday positive and happy, joking and laughing - in my teens you must have thought I thought you were a “dink”, but in actuality, I admired that quality. I have a great mom who cares so much that it probably hurt you. Im sorry for those times I hurt you mom - to this day I regret the times we spent not talking.

We had been together for about two years at this point. You were on tour with north Mississippi all stars and i cleaned out the closet bc your old cat peed all in it. I found a box of junk that had been intact since three moves prior, and it was taking up all the floor space in the closet. Naturally, I eliminated it. I found this very sexy red bra in that box. This persons boobs were bigger than mine. I didn’t even consider any other option, I took that red bra with stupid lace and sequins, and my pounding, jealous heart, and threw them both down the apartment trash chute. When you got home, you were trying to make a joke, and actually went to the closet to dig for that bra.

Hahahahahahahhhahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa gone forever. I pretended not to know or care when you told me you were looking for ‘her’ bra you had been saving.

hi how are you doing
I am doing fine

When was the last time someone told you about a mental abuse or a physical one and you just reacted saying “ohh” and moved on easily without really knowing what the person is going through. People who go through this agony are often termed as victims but I’d rather say that they are survivors. Despite of all the odds they still stood up and are living a normal life until someone brings up this topic. Just became there wasn’t penetration doesn’t mean that act didn’t destroy your soul. Molestation is as grieve crime as rape.

Just because things didn’t escalate, you can’t term it as normal and ask people to let it go. You wouldn’t know how much of that costed how many lives, you don’t know how many of the survivors are still struggling to forget that so little act, somehow they are convinced that it was their fault. Individuals are taught from the childhood that situations like this are “normal” and not much of a big deal. How is not much of a big deal when that mere act of some perv lead to someone destroying their life either by ending it or by living in depression. Why it that people don’t really open up and stand against what’s been done wrong to them ? Why is it always that the family thinks of a society before their children. We need to enlighten the crowd about what is normal and what is not. We need to make that understand that it’s a good thing to stand up against something that’s been going on for decades which normally people are turning a blind eye to. We need to imbibe in them the sense of responsibility that they need to find ways to mend ways to if not compensate for the agony but atleast give them a relief that it’s a good thing to come out against anyone who’s done wrong. Doesn’t matter what gender you are, you don’t need to blame yourself for this, it wasn’t your fault that s/he was not taught right. You don’t need to be shameful for what you haven’t done. To everyone who has or has not found the courage to speak up their souls, this is to them, it’s ok; we are here for you.

#survivor #metoo

20/09/2017

I didn’t really know much about how much I actually hated you or rather to be precise if I ever hated you. It had always been so that no matter how broken and bruised you leave me, I would still willingly accept you in a moment. I often wondered what was it with you that I just couldn’t let go of you, why was it that I would want to be holding your hand even when I know that I’d be drowning because of you. Love maybe? I don’t know. At this point in my life, I don’t really think that humans actually love each other unconditionally and you never even considered me worthy of it so why is it that I frequently lose out my self respect just because you need me? All you did was talk big about us, oh wait that wasn’t even a thing according to you. We weren’t lovers nor flings but neither were we even friends.

After lots of talks, self introspection and thinking in a different way for once; I did realize that you never were something I deserved or wanted. I was just clinging on to you because I didn’t want to go through the whole shit chain of love and heartbreak in search for someone new. I was just afraid of not being able to live without you but you know what? It’s been a year and it couldn’t have been more amazing than this without you. I understood my importance in your life was only when you left alone and needed someone just somebody and you were accustomed to the thought of me forgiving you each time that you would still do it, never for once understanding the reason behind it.

I’m so habitual to being treated like a use and throw object by you that your text wasn’t anymore a surprise for me. For once, being the foolish me I thought that you did actually miss me when you said that but no I forgot how great you were with your words just to beat around the bush and put the blame on me. The very next month when you sent those wink emoticon, I knew why you were here back to me. I decided to play along and at the end do something which usually you would do but this time it was me shutting you down from my life just like the way you used to.

I was glad to have given you back what you deserved. I was happy to finally have you go. I was happy that at last I wouldn’t be there crying nights after nights when you leave doubting myself or things I did that wronged you. And in all this happiness, it suddenly dawned to me how much of pain I have caused to myself more than you ever did by doing all this. I realized how disgusting on my part was it to do what you casually did. It came upon me as how for moving away from you I became exactly like you, you I wish to forever forget, you I wish to never come face to face with, you I wish to have never met in the first place. Or maybe I still hope we could have met differently and things could have been better. Just maybe, we would never know, because not anymore do I want to be with someone who treats me worse than an option though you always wanted to be my priority which you always were and now I know it wasn’t you, it was me who broke myself.

Please answer back… I miss you more than you realize.

you fucking piss me off i wish you were still here so i can slap you and tell you that you couldve been happy with this life on this world and i miss you so much and i want to see you so bad you dumb fatass
u r my best friend and i need you so much
and ur not here and it pisses me off i shouldve been a better friend to you i want to hold you so bad man…
i got a tattoo on my chest with the first letter of ur name to remind me how much i miss you and how youll always be in my heart.
im gonna try and help people that are like how you were.
…
what is it like? is it nothingness? is it clouds with glass floors? is it dirt? is it feelings lost forever?
i love you forever bro.
so so much.

i remember when we talked every day on the bus in the morning. we would watch the sun come up. we would listen to music together and share movies. then we would walk into the school and hang out there, too, all the time. it was so fun for the year that it lasted. you were so fun to be around. eating breakfast with our friends, hanging out in floral design, i would do anything for another day of that.
and then i confessed to you.

i told you everything, my anxiety, my life, my crush for you… and you didn’t have an answer, and i got mad and then i ignored you. it’s all my fault. i ruined everything between us. now we cant even approach eachother and it’s been more than a year. but whoever thinks i can get over that in just a year is dumb because you were such a big part of my life.
god, i love you. you’re such a beautiful and independent person, you think you go unnoticed, but you’re still in my heart, and in a way, i hope im still in yours.
i love you.
im so sorry.
damn i really wish i had the balls to send this…

Do you still have a space for me in your life?

I miss you a lot, and I keep trying to ignore all of it and to put all my energy somewhere else, but you’re never out of my thoughts.

I’m not ready to become friends again, but I do need your presence. Here are two proposals of relationships we could adopt.

— Penpals. We write to each other from time to time, about films we saw, dishes we cooked, things that went trough our minds. We debate about topics, we exchange typefaces, we share ideas. But we don’t talk about our lives. I don’t want to know what you did since last time because it would be too hurtful to realise having missed it. I won’t tell you what I did either, since I can’t bear the idea of not having shared it with you as it went. And not a word about our current lives or our projects, it would only feed my desire to be with you. A conversation from intellect to intellect, without any personal part nor feelings, which would bring back our presences one for another without risking to rebuild our links too much at first. Could evolve back into a friendship if everything goes well.

— Siblings. As a nod to an old conversation. We adopt each other as sister and brother. I would have a valid reason to love you so much, and that would forbid anything else between us. We can look into legal work to make this official, or make a symbolic pact.

Those are the only two exits I can see to our situation. They are both a little risky emotionally and I can’t promise you not to fall down again and stop everything midway. If you feel like going for one of these or if you have other solutions to offer me, write me when you’re ready. Otherwise, you can ignore this message and I will understand and would of course not blame you for it.

~ Nm

This is the last thing I do before going to the gym. No more procrastination, no more delays or quick social media checks. After I’m done with this I will go. If I do, I’ll feel better about myself and I’ll be a little healthier, If I don’t, I’ll feel like shit. The less comfort now, the more satisfaction later and vice-versa.

Simple stuff, better get going.

Sometimes I wish I could forget you. But, then I remember you’re probably too ingrained in my life to forget you and still be myself. Sometimes the sorrow will hit me so fast and hard that it feels like a bullet-train in space, no tracks, no care, where it is headed or where is has come from. I start to wonder what it would have been like if I would have had all this time that has passed with you. On some level I am foolish to be holding on to nothing. Most days it feels like nothing at least. But I have to believe those thoughts go somewhere. Somewhere that they are heard. Where you can feel them. I saw a comic once of a girl flicking a speck of dust, or a pollen grain, or some small thing of insignificance off her elbow. She went through the day with a smile on her face. Maybe that’s like what this intangible string is… a connection which one may forget completely and another may feel to the greatest degree. — Being that speck vaulted into the unknown, unequipped, but still oddly connected to that which it left. Save a synapse for me. I’ll save two for you.

My IG is been hacked, and also my email is forgotten too

Yo man. Everything’s going to be okay. I know you worry a lot. Like a lot, a lot. But do what you can, and let the world surprise you with the magical powers of destiny. It does amazing things. All things are created by it. Let it create you. Let it create yours.

Often I ask, what am I doing? Wasting hours on social media, scrolling through photos tactfully created so that I fill with envy.

I wake up late. Go to work. Try to stay present at work. Check my social media. Stay late at work. Come home. Anxiously, and unmeaning to, I occupy myself with social media until midnight. My weekends aren’t much different, except there are more unfulfilled promises I make to do greater. If I’m really lonely, I’ll hit a bar and drink way too much.

I want more with my life. I want to hike early in the morning. I want to go to yoga on my lunch break. I want to get lost in creating art, making space, connecting with new people. I want to find secret places to dance my face off. I want to read books in new parks, volunteer and fight for what I believe, attend lectures of brilliant minds–minds that that different than mine.

I’m over internet platforms that suck me in. Where is the app that pushes me out?

I want to stop waiting for life to happen. I want to begin DOING.

Hey, Ms. Nad.

It’s been couple of weeks since we last spoke but it feels like a decade already. I know we’re good friends but actually it’s more than that in my case. You do know that back in the days I crush on you and so did you but for some god knows what reason we’ve become friends after I refused to accept your love. I believe I did the right thing because I wasn’t ready nor were you. Now that we’ve grown up and almost settled in life I’m thinking if it will be a good idea to express my love to you but I don’t know how you’ll take this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. This draft is not enough. I’m not going to send you this. No. NO. I love you, Nad.

Your ever loving David.

Hi,

I know you will never find me. Here’s to hoping that you do.

http://astoryaboutalice.tumblr.com/

Good bye.

Y qué hay de nuestra felicidad? Ahora hay que escoger, o tú o yo… O hacerme una cirugía mental para entender que esto será nuestra felicidad, que te hayas ido corriendo, y además, para ser feliz con otra persona. Cambiar de vida y estar solo para poder estar con otra persona. Y pisotear yo misma mis sentimientos hasta que no quede nada. Yo me muero con esto. No voy a vivir aceptando todo esto, si tengo que estar amargada y triste, lo estaré. Me muero de pensar que el mundo se olvide de que íbamos a estar junts siempre. Que era un deseo real, que en unos pocos días, semanas, algún mes, ha desaparecido. Y a seguir hacia adelante. Pues yo me quedo por el camino, no voy a abandonar. No tengo miedo a sufrir ni a volverme loca. Tengo optimismo y afecto de sobra para varias vidas. Que no había alternativa, que todo el mundo era infeliz, que era demasiado difícil, que hay que abandonar a tiempo. Cuántas dificultades quiere una hacer frente? No trates de convencerme más, sé que has sufrido, sé que hemos sufrido. Pero no es una palabra mágica que ahuyente todos los demás sentimientos con sólo decirla. Te has marchado, me has abandonado, no hay más explicaciones que dar, no hay nada en lo que ampararse. No voy a olvidar nada. No me voy a recuperar de nada, no te entiendo, no estoy contigo. No tengo intención ni de resignarme.

Yo no quiero que sufras, así que olvídate de mí, bloquéame de todo. No voy a contar contigo para nada más. Que estás ahí? Cómo? Esto consiste en dejarme, y estar estarás en la medida en la que no te moleste demasiado. Mandando algún mensaje, respondiendo a un correo. No quiero nada de esto. Prefiero desaparecer de tu vida en todo. Sé todo lo que me dices. Pero me parece todo incomprensible, una locura, que te hayas lanzado a enamorarte de otra persona. Que me pusieras películas que ella te recomendaba, que supieras, en el fondo, que me querías dejar y no me lo dijeras. Que lo tuviera que leer en tus actos, en ti, como siempre. Estoy harta de tener que vivir con los velos que se ponen los demás para cubrir sus acciones y sentimientos de delicadeza, y que tú, por ejemplo, no tengas ningún problema en hablarme sin ninguna consideración. Que me hables, como siempre has hecho con estas cosas conmigo, de ella, que tienes que estar solo para poder estar con ella, cambiar para estar con ella. Cómo no, lo más importante es que tú estés con ella. Y que me lo cuentes. Que la vida era eso, que estés con ella, y quién soy yo para interponerme entre tú y tu vida. Y ahora me tengo que sentir culpable por estar atormentándote. Es a lo que estoy acostumbrada, a preocuparme más por tus sentimientos que por los míos. Que me trates otra vez como si fuera una amiga con la que te hubieras equivocado. Y luego me hables de violencia. Y dureza. Que ahora parezca imposible que fueras feliz conmigo cerca, que cambiaras conmigo cerca, que estuvieras solo si lo necesitabas y si hubieras querido, con todo el espacio que te dejé, para meditar, que hubieras encontrado el amor, por fin, conmigo. Siempre reconstruyendo a partir de las decisiones que se toman. Has tomado una decisión? No la expliques más, por favor. Que para la felicidad no hay fórmula. No necesito, no merezco, escuchar más lo infeliz que eras conmigo. Que la felicidad es el abandono de la infelicidad? A que no te gusta que decante tu felicidad actual o posible así? Pues entonces, no voy a tolerar más que nadie, ni tú, me recuerde lo infeliz que eras conmigo. Y lo ventajoso que va a ser para el mundo que me hayas dejado, porque ya no éramos una pareja. Porque ahora podremos ser amigs, que es lo que has decidido tú que quieres, que es, incluso, lo que siempre has querido. Cada una en su lugar. Todo claro y separado.
Sé que sufriste, y tengo que vivir con ello. Como también vivo con lo que me hiciste tú sufrir a mí. Y como también vivo con lo felices y esperanzadxs que fuimos junts. Y como tú decías, quitándote con un gesto seco de la mano los dolores del hombro, te cito: nadie ha muerto, y la gente trata de seguir con su vida. Así que seré yo la única que sufra, y que parece que insiste, además. Estoy amargada, y por lo tanto, sola, que es como mejor puedo estar. Pero quién va a recordar todo esto? Yo prefiero morirme a abandonar nuestra vida como si fuera una cosa usada. Y tú quieres abandonarla, necesitas construir otra vida con otra mujer. Y siento venir a decirte que no puedo apoyarte, ni comprenderte, si cambiar de vida rima con cambiar de mujer. Si no es que no te quiero, porque quería tu infelicidad. Tengo que apoyarte en todo, lo que importa es tu felicidad. Claro que tu felicidad importa, tienes derecho a ser feliz, y ya estás en ello. No me pidas que yo te comprenda ahora. Que quererte signifique esto. Qué derecho es ese?
Confío en que podrías cambiar solo, pero parece que esa no era la cuestión. Ya verás tú cuál es tu cuestión. O no. Yo no lo sé. Seguro que te irá bien, mucha gente te apoyará, yo ahora me estoy comenzando a parecer a una bruja, y el mundo suele organizarse en torno de las esperanzas renovadas, los amores nuevos, las segundas oportunidades. En torno del olvido. Así que me la guardo yo, nuestra vida, ahora con amargura. Espero que algún día con otro sentimiento, esa es mi esperanza. Pero no tengo ninguna intención de abandonarla. O buscarme otro amor. Aunque me vuelva loca. Soy demasiado mayor, me he dado cuenta con esto, en cierto modo te lo debo, para olvidar mi vida. O para hacer como si esto fuera razonable, algo que se me pasará, con el tiempo. No tengo ni idea de lo que me pasará con el tiempo, la verdad. Y qué te pasará a ti? Supongo que estarás bien. Porque esto es lo que has querido, de repente, no estar siempre conmigo, como hasta hace poco nos prometíamos, y pase lo que pase, has actuado según tu voluntad. Y eres una persona con talento y confianza, estarás bien. Has querido querer a otra persona. Y lo has conseguido de momento. Estarás bien. Te casarás, con ella, o con otra mujer, igual hasta tendrás hijos. Todo eso ya no me concierne. Pero no, no, no, no voy a hacer una vez más como si quererte fuera seguirte en todo. “Todo el mundo sigue a alguien”. Yo a ti. Nunca más. Qué locura. Prefiero casi comenzar a hablar en alguna lengua que no conozcamos, para ya no seguirte en nada de esto si significa abandonar, para no actuar como si esto fuera una cuestión de razón. Ahora mismo no sé lo que significa quererte, querer que estés bien? Claro que quiero que estés bien. Y eso significa que no aparezca con mi tormento? Pues no lo sé, de eso te tienes que ocupar tú. Tú tendrás que ver cómo separas nuestras vidas. Yo ya no me ocupo de eso. Ahora seré egoísta por defecto, por consecuencia. Ya no pretendo tener razón. Eso también lo he aprendido estos dos meses. Y los sentimientos? Qué pasa con el amor de tantos años, simplemente se abandona, en un mes o dos? Se pasa de una persona a otra y se abandona? Quieres que te acompañe en eso? Lo único que puedo hacer yo ahora es estar amargada. Por haberme quedado por el camino de nuestra vida. Porque ya no te quería como tú querías, porque ninguno de los dos nos tomamos la molestia de comprender lo que ocurría, ser pacientes y cambiar. Nos acomodamos a una relación insatisfactoria, si uno de los dos salió pitando, hay que ser comprensiva. Ser comprensiva es eso. Comprender lo que ha pasado. No tratar de comprender cómo es posible que parezca soportable que haya pasado eso. Y no aquello que no ocurrió: que nos esforzáramos por comprendernos a nosotrs y si hacía falta, cambiar todos los gestos. Tocar sin esperar respuesta, mirar detenidamente al otro, y no sólo desear en asbtracto. Escuchar y no sólo querer ser escuchado. Hay que saber cuándo abandonar, dirán. Pues has abandonado, ya está. Para qué repetir, para qué repetir. Y el caso es que siempre me dices más o menos lo mismo. No te has cansado de repetirme tus razones. Ahora me hablas más amable, parece que recuerdas que me querías o que soy un ser humano. Pero he tenido que pasarme dos meses leyendo y escuchando a un desconocido que me trataba como si fuera menos que una persona. Tampoco se me ocurre ninguna alternativa. Alternativas no había, había huidas posibles, conformismos, o ponerse serias. Deja de contarnos nuestra vida, o de ampararte en razones por las que tenías que dejarme. No me puedes convencer de nada, es que no lo entiendes? Lo he intentado, dejarme convencer, para no estar enfadada contigo. Pero no dura. Porque no es verdad. Te convences tú? Nos has dejado, punto. Y me has dejado a mí en el momento más difícil de mi vida hasta ahora. Quieres hacerte adulto, ser responsable? Pues trata de vivir con ello. Como tengo que vivir yo con mis incomprensiones, mis cobardías y mis decepciones. Con eso y con la belleza y la delicadeza, que no las he olvidado, aquí están también conmigo, haciéndome llorar. Eso es la vida también, probablemente. Salta también en tu espíritu. Que ahora todo es duro para ti. Y otra vez que si estás solo. Soledad soledad soledad. Supongo que debo entender que todavía me sigues viendo como alguien que simplemente te protegía. Alguna vez has sentido que te quería? Que hemos sido casi la misma persona? Que había una oportunidad al separarnos después de eso, aunque fuera doloroso y trabajoso, de hacernos mayores -y jóvenes de otro modo- junts? Que las promesas son lo más real de esta vida, que han sido casi la mitad de nuestra vida? No quieres escuchar todo esto? No leas lo que escribo, no me des tus razones. Déjame hablando sola. Que es lo que llevo haciendo dos meses. Y mientras escribo, preocupada por si te estoy haciendo daño… Es imposible. No te preocupes por mí, simplemente seguiré viviendo. Me alegro de que estés contento, e incluso ilusionado. Que te sientas diferente. Pero no me hables más de soledad, ni de dificultades. Soledad intelectual ya tenías. Lo único que veo es que es posible que ahora te sientas algo más independiente en cosas prácticas y como frente al mundo, sintiéndote un poco más tú mismo. Y me niego a aceptar las insinuaciones de otras veces en las que caía que yo tenía la culpa. Cuando era precisamente algo que siempre me dolía, cómo te escondías detrás de mí a veces, de manera fantasiosa o real, y me dejabas sola. Y todo eso además son cosas buenas, rejuvenecen, no tienen nada de malo ni de traumático, sobre todo si una las desea. Y te estás preparando para vivir con otra mujer. Y tienes otros proyectos. Tu situación es, como siempre, inmejorable, llena, más que de dificultades, de facilidades, venga ya, tiene gracia que te lo recuerde yo. Vas a estar bien. Confía. Te dejo con un poeta, que ellos parece que lo han vivido todo, y nos lo dicen: es tan corto el amor, tan largo el olvido.

XXXXXX,
We have worked tirelessly for weeks (over multiple weekends) to move everything from the old office to the new office, making multiple trips to IKEA (80 miles round trip), hours building furniture, cleaning and making this place the new home of XXXXXXXXX. I trust that you respect and appreciate all that we have done. This is why I need you to understand that there are some items at the old office that are not coming to the new office. The birds picture, the OPEN sign, the old whiteboard from 101, and a few more items have no place in our new office. The discussion has been finalized and will no longer be argued. I need you to take care of them or I will have to dispose of them as I see fit.

Thanks for your understanding.

A carta rejeitada quer ser amada
como um corpo abandonado
sofre num cantar lânguida
pelo encontro desejado

Hi,
How are you. I know you don’t like me. i know you are so happy with your bf. but i just want to say you, i will always love you.

Thanks

I secretly run around the house pantless

Hi grandma and grandpa!

Just wanted to say hi and show you a couple pictures you might find interesting. One is me going to class today. Thanks for the shirt! The second is my first big boy suit. I found a really good sale a couple weeks ago and wanted something nice since I’ll be interviewing a lot in the coming months. I put it on my best hanger! Third, my new aquarium stand. I found this nice big 45 gallon aquarium on the street a couple months ago, couldn’t believe someone was getting rid of it. We didnt have anywhere to put it in our apartment though since it will be so heavy when filled (almost 400 pounds). So my roommate and I made this stand. It’s just two by fours and plywood, not pretty but strong as a rock!

Take care

Hey,

Can you send me that Google Document again? I forgot to add it to my drive

ahhh I don’t know what to do with my life right now

So sorry you two lost the bracket challenge but you still owe money.

You were never the one.

I always thought i was the only nerd who loved marketing and advertising as much as i actually do! I stumbled upon this website–which brought me to “forgottenemails” and I AM IN LOVE! please dont stop!

anxiety sucks. but i can’t accept that. all i can think about is how i suck. and how im not studying. and how im not doing assignments. and how im letting my professors down. and most importantly how im letting myself down. i know what i want in life. i want to be the best at whatever i choose to do. im so lucky as to know that. but i feel like now thats a curse. its not that “being the best” means i have unreasonable standards. the problem is that i don’t know how to deal with setbacks. setbacks are so far from being the best that they stun me. they stop me in my tracks. they make me feel like im unworthy of all the love i get from everyone in my life. so instead of using setbacks to motivate me to do better and then getting excited when i am doing better, i sit there, stunned by the setback, unable to comprehend what just happened, unable to move forward. finally when the stress of the setback peaks, i spring into action, knowing full well that i can never now feel like im being the best or even doing my best because there just isn’t enough time.

i think i just love you too much. my life just got too jumbled up when i started really really really liking you and i couldn’t be with you. it broke me.

It’s been quite awhile. When did we last meet? I think it was last year but you didn’t acknowledge me as much as you did back then. I wanted to ask how you’ve been, I wanted you to talk to me about your new school, classmates and such. But I couldn’t or you didn’t want to.

I regret what I said last time. I’m not perfect, I didn’t know what to say. It was all so sudden. I meant to say thank you for liking me for who I am. I meant to say I like you too. Unfortunately, I got tongue-tied. So stupid. You stopped talking to me and ignored me. It was awkward. I wanted us to hang out just like what we did before. I couldn’t do it though. I was afraid that you’d reject me, say that you’re too busy or something.

You probably have someone else you like now. I feel so jealous but I don’t have any rights. I look at your social media profiles every now and then, just wanting to make sure that you’re doing fine and all. I am regretting the things that I haven’t done and said to you. I’m sorry for my words last time, it probably hurt you. I know you wont come back but I’ll be here if and when you need me. But I know you don’t need me anymore. You’ve someone else.

Is it possible for a person to be happy and sad at the same time? Because I am.

People always make fun of my name.

Jimmy jo jim jumbuck jino is nothing to laugh at.

Regards,

Jimmy jo jim jumbuk jino

I thought that I was going to see some of the drafts I saved in my email, not write one. But oh well, I guess this is okay too. It’ll be a laugh to see what I’ll write on here over the goddamn years. Hmmmm……

Maybe I can add in a little bit of poetry to impress my goddamn future self? Or is it not how it works? Okay.

Hi,

It is me again. I know that my last email to you seemed somewhat cringy and soppy, but I needed to write it down. Like I said before, writing down makes everything fall into place.

Not gonna lie, looked you up several times on social media. Checked everything again and again. Was still surprised to see my images on your FB. I know you are a photographer, but for some reason, they seem too personal now.

Just wanted to let you know that I went on few dates. You told me that the good guys would never break my heart. Well, you were wrong…

What’s up with the guys nowadays?..

I went out with this nice guy, works in the police department, does freelancing on the side. But.. he was divorced. Just like you. But his case was so different than yours. He had two kids. His marriage failed because they fell out of love. For some unknown reason, I liked that guy. He seemed genuine. And you know what, for the first time in 2 years I felt butterflies in my stomach when he leant to kiss me.

You know what frustrating is? He ended whatever was going on between us. Two completely different timetables. Weird, huh?

It is like you cursed me with that.

I have meant to ask. Does your new girl complete you in every way? Is sex good? Does she give you better blow jobs? Are you able to speak about your mommy issues with her?

Honestly, I don’t even know why I am writing to you. I guess, after seeing that you became a wedding photographer, something clicked in my mind. You made fun of my wedding-themed Pinterest, and now you are the one who is in that industry.

I guess, we are not so different after all..

Love,
Kay

i miss you, I want you here as soon as possible.

I am just afraid that I won’t be able to love you the way you need me to. I am afraid I will hurt you, cause you pain and disappointment. I am also afraid that if we are both depressed, that will make things more difficult for us, that we won’t be able to take care of each other. I don’t know… As if being apart would be any easier. I remembered just how much harder it is to really be without you during this past week. I want to be us again. I want to be happy. I know you’re not a magic bullet, but I know the way I feel isn’t normal, and I know it’s not your fault, I’m sorry for taking it out on you.

I hope you have been able to think this past week, to be sure this is what you really want. I just keep doubting that I am enough for you. If you were asking me to move, now, or never… I don’t know what I would do. I really wouldn’t want to move, and I am afraid of how that would effect us… That I would resent you for making me move. I don’t want to put you in that same position, I don’t want you to resent me. If you want out, I am giving you that chance.

I want to give us a chance, a real chance this time. It has to be soon.

I am sorry I didn’t call you tonight, the [awesome movie] screening was tonight, and I got home at 11:30. Tomorrow I’ll be working late. I am looking forward to talking to you, but I don’t want to keep you up late or get cut short, so I’ll call on Wednesday. I didn’t want you to be worried about me, or think that this was my plan to just disappear on you. I also wanted to let you know [our cat] is doing ok.

I regret not kissing you hello.
I regret not kissing you good-bye.

We’ve known each other for years now, and I can’t find the words to tell him how I feel

So yeah it would’ve been awful if we’d split up so early. But have you no respect for my abilities? Do you believe in me at all? I was already doing very difficult things all by myself. I became a single mom while you behaved as a bachelor professor. You took what I had because it suited you. Not to save me. You took what you wanted and left the rest of me behind you.

You said I can choose if I don’t want you. You still have this so wrong. I want what I always wanted: love, respect, faithfulness, trust, and now, freedom. I thought I had those. But you were in control the whole time. It’s not you. It’s what you did to me.

i always tell myself no matter how my mom think of me or care for me i will prove to her i can do it no matter how hard is this

I lava you.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

max martin Light up the world

TALIA

I already heard the big news about your big walking-down-the-street-that-caved-in mishap, please refer to your myspace page for more info. Seriously I hope you aren’t in too much pain. You are the most accident prone lady I know! Please fill me in on the details though, I want to know exactly how this happened.

Shelley

preference madison
we’re not mobile right now
i think relationship building is a huge part of it
there is an airport in chicago that is convenient to toronto
call to problem solve together
why is it so important for me to be in toronto? how can i meet those needs without being there?