You are beautiful, you are gorgeous. Looking at you feels like freezing into ice the same temperature as the color of your eyes. But that isn’t why I’m writing you this. You are substance behind that. You are a room with a view. Your almost imperceptible frown at someone’s mistake. The crinkles at the corners of your eyes when you smile. The confident edge of your voice when you speak. The easy way you command people. Your shoulders pulled back with an aristocratic dignity. You blushing when you’re embarrassed. You forcing me a mushroom chicken cutlet to eat. I can’t tell you how excited I was when I heard you were waiting and joining [us]. It was great working with you. Good luck. I’ll miss you.
It’s been a while. I thought about you quite a lot since that day two years ago.
You and I.. We had a different sort of relationship. We were both broken people and I was your support and you were mine. Slowly though, we both changed each other. At least, you changed me. We had so many memories. So many nights spent just talking to each other. I enjoyed that. We made each other stronger. At one point, we no longer needed each other. And that’s why that day, I was able to break it off. I didn’t talk to you after that night. I didn’t even bother to contact you.
Then one day, I heard that your dad was in critical health. I didn’t want to at first, but I finally gathered up the courage to call you. I tried to give you hope and honestly if I could, I would have made it all better. But i couldn’t. A few days passed and I heard your dad passed away. You were depressed. That’s what your friends told me cause I never did talk to you. I don’t know why though… I heard you changed after that. You closed yourself shut. After all, your life wasn’t easy even when your dad was alive.
I don’t really know if I miss you. But I regret not being there when you needed a friend. Sometimes, I think back and wonder what would have happened if I stayed your friend. Would I have saved you from your sorrows ? I will never know.
I know you know this. But I will say it again. I loved you a lot. More than I loved anybody. And I don’t know if I will love anybody so much again.
I hope you stay well. Someday, I hope to fix everything with you. It will never be the same, but maybe we could start over…
Bare your soul here.
I hate that I’ve been a force in your life, some killer of spirit. I have never felt such love or affection from you as I did that night that we lay in front of the fire at my house and you just looked at my face for an immeasurable amount of time and touched it. Knowing that it’s my fault that it hasn’t happened since makes me feel terrible. It should be me telling you that you should find someone better. Someone that is less damaged, less–
Hi Mom and Dad,
I’ve organized the guest list so it can be easily counted and organized for seating arrangements. Can you take a look at the list and see if you can fill in some of the missing details?
I’ve highlighted some rows:
The green rows are people who are listed with kids (not specifically married): do you know which people have kids over 12 (they will need to be counted as adults), and if they are over 12, are they likely to bring an extra guest?
The purple rows are people with married kids, but the married kids don’t have any info: do you know their names, if they’re at separate addresses, and if they have their own kids (under or over 12)? If there are kids you don’t know the details of, can we remove them from the list?
Also, I’d like to identify the family tree of the guests to help me figure out seating arrangements.
I will also probably need to cut out some people, so if there are people that you don’t know the information of, these may be people we should cut out.
We can go through it together next week. Talk to you soon!
What’s going on Michster?
How’s your fall going? Sad the warm weather has left us?
Any details about your newfound auntiness?
Congrats, by the way. That’s pretty exciting news. I just got back from spending a week with my niece. She’s walking now, and talking a lot of crazy jibberish stories, but they’re all still awesome. She’s got a love for books and playing airplane. It’s good times. I’ve got a new position with GNR. It’s pretty strategic, and involves a lot of creative new big ideas… pretty fun stuff! I’d love to tell you all about it when I see you next.
Any travels lately? Still planning a big trip
How’s work going? Getting a lot of time with clients?
Have a great weekend!
Você não acreditou no meu potencial.
Você subestimou meus conhecimentos.
Você não deu aquela oportunidade que
eu tanto queria. Pq eu era nova demais?
Pq eu era mulher? Pq eu não aceitei ocupar
apenas o lugar que meu foi dirigido.
Mas parece que o jogo virou não é mesmo?
It feels silly that I know it’s silly to believe in fairy-tale stories but and I will blame Disney for all that conditioning I suffered during my growing up years. You know how it’s so difficult to put down those rose-tinted glasses when one has worn them for the longest time.
All could have been perfect and well if I would meet a nice girl to settle down with pretending we own castles and are rulers of our own kingdoms. Game of Thrones actually changed all of that with the violence and gore plus all that killing…
Anyway, that’s not the point. The major point is that I am not straight… Yes, I am gay and I’ve fallen for you a perfectly straight man in grand delusional hopes that you would love me for who I am. After all, I had read about two straight guys who had fallen in love and that sexuality is fluid so anything’s possible right? Damn Disney…
You’re not exactly Prince Charming material - you know the fair chiselled facial features with white porcelain teeth, etc. - but you are the epitome of a man’s man whom any girl (or guy) would be so lucky to have - polite, scruffy, gruff, gentlemanly, kind and green/blue eyes.
You’ve no idea the countless times I’ve caught myself wishing wistfully when you look so engrossed at work to just kiss you and magically make you mine but I know people would stare and maybe you would mind. I did ask you once if you minded me being gay and being around you but you simply shrugged it off and punched me in the shoulder saying that I would never ever make anyone feel comfortable because I’m a great guy.
Those were the only words I heard and that punch was the only contact we had. I wasn’t sure if I want you to have a girlfriend or anyone because I do wish you’re mine but I want you to be happy and it hurts me when you furrowed your brows after a huge argument with your landlord and you complained that the rent was too expensive.
I would want to live in with you but I don’t know how to talk to you just so you can reduce your rent and I would get to see you every day. Isn’t it a win-win situation you see? I didn’t want to come off as a freak but right now, maybe I’m one.
I want to be there for you, with you, beside you. If only you’d let me…
Will you consider?
But I do. And you took that information and used it to play with me. I gave you everything I had. I became an emotional wreck.
I gave you up and I told you so. Instead of leaving me alone, you pursued me only to mistreat me when I was willing to give you a second chance.
The worst part? I still miss you.
I’ve gone through 34 years of life without ever being accused of being unkind, threatened, dark, or passive-aggressive. So this email tells me that the lens that you look at me through is quite distorted.
I’ve told you many times that I think you are a great artist, counseled, and referred clients.
Remember when you called me to tell me that the only reason P was “liking” the photos on my Facebook page was to make you jealous. I truly felt sorry for you in that call. It’s the same phone call where you told me she thinks you need mental health help. So why are you turning that “seek help” line on me?
Thank you for teaching me to trust my intuition, it’s been a long year of me being kind and generous to you only to find out that you’ve ripped my reputation to shreds with K, P, and who knows else. How sad that this negativity resulted in K closing the group.
I cannot continue to engage with you as I need to surround myself with those who take joy in my light friendly personality and not feel like my friendships, achievements, and happiness are somehow a threat. My hope is that you’ll soon come to a place where you can shine your light, smile, and maintain a beautiful friendship with others for the long haul.
DONE (meaning: emails, account names, etc):
Bank of America
USAA credit card
I need to cancel a report of a stolen bicycle I made through the website:
“This confirms that your declaration has been submitted to An Garda Síochána. Thank you for using our Online Declaration. Please retain your unique confirmation ID ‘[REDACTED]’ for future reference.”
It turned out to be my neighbour. He brought it back. I’m terribly sorry for wasting your time.
Hey, sorry…was away from computer for most of the day.
For me, marijuana doesn’t impair me, it improves me. I am not ashamed to take a couple tylenol for a headache, a Zyrtec for allergies, or partake in marijuana for my sometimes-crippling anxiety in front of her.
I would say, in my experience, it’s nothing like booze. It is a medicine that helps me function. I am a better mother when I able to function.
Alcohol is legal and socially acceptable and dangerous when abused.
Similarly, I’m not happy about my child being around cigarette smoke, because it’s dangerous to her health. But, I know it’s socially acceptable to smoke, so the onus is on me to keep my child away from people who are smoking.
I talk to my kid about why I use marijuana. I also let her know she’s not old enough for it. The culture is shifting around pot. It is becoming more and more socially acceptable every day.
People using weed in one form or another should be the least of our worries. I don’t wish to be sequestered.
You didn’t think I could let you spew hate on me without replying, did you?
I know what we had, even if you didn’t acknowledge it in words. I know how I felt about you. It surprised me.
You are slutty with your money and then expect everyone to appreciate your “gifts.”
I felt you found many ways to road block my success at
You have a secret code you expect everyone to know Having high standards is great, but your rules need to be explained explicitly. You expected me to act a certain way but couldn’t explain how.
I’m a grownup. No more games. I told you how much I liked you. You make me smile. You’re equally badass and delightfully goofy.
I thought when I was telling you I would help keep you “safe,” it meant emotionally.
You didn’t think your money was going to impress this big American clown, did you?
You are attracted to drama because you are comfortable in chaos. Chaos shuts down the voices.
After saying such terrible things to me –shame on you, by the way– I felt I should have an opportunity to speak my truth.
I’m writing to share with you what you look like from my point of view.
You know how hard I have fought tooth and nail to get back on my feet after a long struggle.
May I suggest that if you want to really make a positive impact on someone’s life, try doing it unconditionally. If you can’t do that, put explicit agreements in place so you’ll never feel taken “advantage of.”
Your power is money and you use it to control people. Instead of talking your feelings out, you pull your “gifts” away.
You said several times that we “never had a relationship,” as if that would cripple me. Silly man, you are the only who couldn’t accept we had. You saying that we didn’t have a relationship didn’t hurt me, it made me pity you. You must really be suffering.
You, too, are a pauper. You have a poverty of love. You don’t think you deserve great love, much like I used to feel I didn’t deserve great wealth. Both are lies we tell ourselves because it’s easier than doing the fucking work to make awesome things happen.
You couldn’t value what I brought to the table because you thought I was doing it for your money. I thought I had found a friend who understood that I needed to get back on my feet, to do my own thing.
You can’t even be honest with your executive assistant. I think you were ashamed of your feelings for me.
You want freedom, autonomy, I get that. I really get that.
When you pulled over to the side of the ride to call me to tell me you thought you had real feelings for me…I was so touched. Yet, I knew that it would be difficult for me
You confuse obedience with love.
I have my own journey. In March, you needed help from me and I was showing up in a big way for someone else… and myself.
You wanted me to do things but without telling me what those things were.
I was up to the challenge. I didn’t flip out when you barely responded to my texts for a month. I was put in an uncomfortable place of not wanting to bug you too much, while knowing you were hurting from your divorce dates.
I can still feel the dirty look you shot me when you couldn’t open the lock at
The only thing I really wanted from you was kindness, transparency, and authenticity. You think I am “fake” but I am not. I am real. I am also human.
Explicit agreements and two-way communication, those are the key things you need to succeed in a relationship.
As it turns out, you did make an impact in my life. You reminded me that I need to keep my standards high, and to get everything in writing.
It is the beginning of a very happy ending for you,
I saw you for how you really are, warts and all, and still loved you. I only asked the same.
Do I want to be friends? Yes. Do I want to have you in my life? Yes.
Can I do so and still have respect for myself? No, absolutely not. This is the end of the road for us,
Te acabo de poner nombre, hace rato lo pensé hubieras sido una linda Agata, tal vez pensé en el nombre que tu papá nunca me hubiera dejado ponerte, hubiera dicho parece nombre de viejita, creo en su cabeza te llamas Thor, por la misma razón por la cual para mi eres Agata.
Estuviste en nuestra vida durante dos semanas, te esfumaste más rápido de lo que llegaste y pusiste mi vida de cabeza.
No es justo culparte a ti de todo, aunque a veces es más fácil, a veces quisiera que no hubieras aparecido y me ahorraría este dolor.
Hoy no duele, pero me doy cuenta que no estoy bien, con las pocas personas que hablo de ti me ven con cara de pobrecita y me aseguran que voy a estar bien.
Y ¿si no? ¿qué va a pasar conmigo? ¿seguiré siendo este desaste? el cual no puede sentarse a trabajar y divaga quesque trabajando toda la mañana esperando que llegue la hora para hacer de comer, cocinar, después comer, recoger la cocina si bien nos va y después dormir una larga siesta, ver la tele y esperar a que tu papá llegue para hacer la interminable rutina del ¿qué quieres cenar?
Por eso pensé en escribir y después pensé que sería buena idea escribirte a ti. Tu sabes como me siento, y no puedo atormentar más a tu papá, lo voy a volver loco, no es bueno para nuestra relación y seamos sinceras, tu papá no entiende mucho sobre mis interminables chaquetas mentales. Así que ahora te tocará leerme a ti donde quiera que estés. Sé tal vez esto no es muy saludable te tengo que dejar ir, pero tal vez esto me ayuda a hacerlo.
Siempre vas a estar en mi ❤
you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen the accounts department drunk and whooping at a belly dancer
This is going to be super weird.. But I must say this. I think.
I think about you a lot. I miss you. I think I’m in love with you. Or, at the very least, I’m in love with the idea of you. Maybe I’m just clinging on to you because you were the first (and only) one that loved me too. Yes, we were young. We (well, me anyway) probably didn’t realise what it meant. But still… You meant a lot to me.
This message is rather strange and unexpected, I’m sure. I mean, we haven’t seen each other in 10 years (or even spoke!) I don’t even know what your favourite food, or color, movie, song, or band is.. But still… I still think about the things we said to each other. How things could’ve been different. I know it’s crazy. I know. I know you’re married now and you have kids. I’m happy for you. Genuinely. I’m really happy for you.
Why am I sending this? What’s the point? I don’t know. I just feel I need to say it. I don’t have a lot of people in my life and I just want you to know how I feel. Some day, when you’re feeling down, or bad, or feel like nothing can go right.. Just know that there is someone that cares. Someone who thinks you’re awesome and pretty. Intelligent. Perfect. :)
We sometimes drive on the same road home after work. The first time I saw you.. I almost rolled the car. I froze. Time, (and my heart!) stood stil. I cannot describe it. It’s like an arrow pressing through my chest. Every. Time.
I don’t think you saw me.
I remember that time at the mall. You sat at a restaurant and I walked past and our eyes met. It felt like an eternity. My heart has never pounded that fast. I would give anything to know what you were thinking in that moment. Although, you’ve probably long since forgotten that moment.
I wish I could talk to you again. Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to say.
I just want you to know how I feel. I hope you don’t think it’s weird. Or out of place. I hope you can appreciate it.
Good night. Happy new year. I wish you all the best!
I am guessing by now you have gotten paperwork from the court indicating the divorce is final. Since I had gotten a few emails from you in the past few months, I think a part of me expected to hear something from you after I knew paperwork had been delivered to you. It is also possible you imagine I don’t want to hear from you and are giving me space. A part of me also wonders if you’re in denial and don’t want to acknowledge the divorce, and writing any kind of goodbye to me would be too hard for you.
The biggest part of me feels incredibly used by you, that you acknowledged only what you wanted to and not reality. Sometimes I feel like I was just a reflective surface to you although I believe you truly loved me. I tip toed around you to protect your emotions meanwhile having no where to put my own. And that’s my fault for taking that role. Most of me feels like there is no point writing you as you won’t ever understand, and I don’t need you to. But there remains this small part of you for me, the part that holds my happiest memories and the absolute incredibly real love and bond I have for you. I write to that part for my own sake. Now that time has gone by and I realize I won’t hear from you.
When we got married we said out beyond right doing and wrong doing there is a field and we would meet each other there. While too much damage is done and I am too hurt to remain married, or in contact with you, I continue to see you beyond wrongdoings. Despite how incredibly angry I have been with you at times, I continue to see you as I always did, as a good man.
All of this was incredibly hard from me. From the way you responded to my valid pain and reactions, to the lack of respect I got in how careful and giving I was in tending your emotions. Deciding to get divorced was hardest decision of my entire life. It took time to get there, days without appetite and weeks of uncontrollable tears. To hear you question multiple times how much I loved you was the hardest thing I’ve ever heard or been confronted with. This was the last thing I expected for us. I hope that the next person you love you are honest with, and I hope your family is honest with her, that she not be kept from secrets the way I was.
I hope you have found peace within yourself like you wanted and no matter how much anger I feel during times of great pain I really am not angry at you at all. I feel for the pain you carried and I am sorry we both had to go through something so gut wrenching and painful. Divorce and our marriage is not something I can push aside and forget. Divorce has changed my life in away nothing else ever has, my life is now divided in “before” and “after.”
I wish the absolute best for you and I carry the happiest moments of my life from our marriage inside even though acknowledging them brings pain. I have learned a great deal from us, about myself, and find meaning in the growth I’ve endured. I hope you do as well.
you’re not judgmental
we can be goofy together
we’re the same kind of weird
i can tell you anything
we’ve got a good amount of interests in common versus different that keeps things interesting
you can talk about anything cause you’re smart
you can make jokes about anything cause you’re funny
you tell me what you’re thinking and feeling so I’m never guessing or in the dark
you remember things i say that even i don’t remember
there’s no words to describe the way you look at me
that little patch of grey hair behind your right ear
you’ve always got a smile on your face and you can always make me smile
the cereal bowl on your chest
you’re always up for anything
you make me feel special and cared for
you share music with me that you say makes you think of me
i feel like you’ve got my back no matter what
Stop asking new programmers to the team if they would eat a dog since dogs have no souls. I left your madness happily.
I still want you in my arms, and every night I had panic attacks from not getting texts from you… and this has to stop. I want to forget everything. I’ll try my very best to never text you again, and I hope you do the same for me. But then again, it’s easy for you to ignore me because you have other girls to fuck around, and you only come back to me when you’re in a location near me, so I guess the hard part is for me.
Lucky you I’ll still need to send you the presents I promised, otherwise you’ll never hear from me ever again. Enjoy the mixtape I’ve made with all my heart, and the handmade shirt, and the Cyndaquil badge I’ve bought for you, those are your farewell gifts. I wish I never met you.
What can I say, I’m a pusher
Ooh, so Jess is trying to get us table deals? Speaking of Vegas bachies – the FUNNEST bachelorette party I’ve been to in Vegas involved tutus in daytime over our bikinis, with the bride in a sash and tiara. Let me tell you, it got a LOT of attention, and getting hyphy in tutus is a one-of-a-kind experience (they are from the Bay). I’m wondering if I should suggest any ideas to Jess. Do you guys have any theme ideas? You only get 1 bachy (supposedly), so why not live it up?
Los días pasan, y sigo esperando un mensaje. Ese mensaje. Todavía no puedo creer que se haya ido aunque la siento cerca. La extraño mi amiga del alma, todos los días la recuerdo. El otro día pensé en que no entendía porque me sentía tan triste sin usted, depronto estaba exagerando finalmente no viviamos en la misma ciudad hace años. Pero me encontré con millones de fotos, de recuerdos y me reiteré a mi misma que es una de las amistades más grandes que ha existido. Que fuimos y seremos hermanas del alma y que siempre la extrañaré.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I’ve been cranking out pottery for an upcoming show and Three Rivers Arts Festival. I have 120 pots now, but will probably sell around 260, which means I’ll need about 140 more to make 250 for TRAF….sigh.
Thank you for the links! You know, I had to move from Manatu, Manitoba where I was being raised by my grandma and great aunts to Pennsylvania and live with my horrible biological parents because ALCOA started mining for nickel in the hills above us and polluted all of the ground water and streams. They killed off all of the trout and salmon in our streams, farm animals died, and around 50 Metis Indians who lived about 2 miles from us. Of course the Canadian government claimed it was just a coincidence. I still have anger about it. Especially since ALCOA has their Hall of the American Indians at the Carnegie Museum.
I really like your website, but need to take time to read it more. I’m dyslexic. So, I read everything 3 or 4 times to absorb the information. You should be quite proud of what you’re doing. I’m very proud of you!
Sabes, extraño tu recuerdo.
¿Sabes por qué?
Porque yo se que para ti te está siendo fácil el olvidarte de mi.
Porque tu si tienes miles de cosas en que distraerte.
Porque a ti no te duele el hecho de saber que te hicieron a un lado.
Y me odio a mi misma por no poder sacarte de mi mente. De dejar de pensarte
De seguir adelante.
No puedo sentirme plenamente feliz con mi vida porque arrancaste un enorme pedazo de ella cuando decidiste irte y no luchar por lo nuestro.
Lo peor de todo es que estoy decepcionada de lo nuestro, y aun así no puedo olvidarte.
👋 Hiyeee. Sorry I’ve been disconnected this weekend I’ve been trying to sort some things out. I miss my kids, I miss myself. Bottom line. There were four pivotal moments this week that affected my attitude: seeing Haisam’s comedy show Wednesday, the opportunity meeting, running into an old friend on the street, and failing to make any money this week. I think I’m exceptional at a lot of aspects of our business and fucking suuuuck at the most important part. I’ve never been the production player you and I both know that, but I also feel like it didn’t fucking matter bc I was able to get by, but eventually that would catch up. I haven’t called you because I can’t talk to you right now, I’m in tears writing this fucking email. I don’t want to quit, but I also don’t want to be that person in your business we’ve always talked about: the drowning one. To be honest I love working non-profits, but I feel like we’re lying to people and I can’t represent a company with those standards. I know what permits cost from running the Oklahoma office. Speaking of, when I came back to Dallas you said I would be running events and not canvassing. My kids miss me I spend an hour with them during the week and it’s starting to affect them. I know new hours have started, but either way the damage is done and to know I’ve caused that damage and I’m not even making any fucking money? Christmas is coming and last week and this week were make or break for me. So I’m unsure of what to do anymore. Stephen hates this job and is starting to hate you. I wish I could…
i am wearing a new pair of jeans and they are a s ize smaller than my old ones. i ordered new ones in the same size as the old ones and i could pull them down with the button fastened and zipper up.
Thanks for your email. I am going to be upfront, I am really interested in making business with you.
However, I have to tell you that I am not a bank person, I don’t have money stored in banks nor I am planning to; but because the sum of money is pretty big for me to consider opening one, I called a friend of mine that works in a bank in Switzerland, asking for advice.
Because the sum of money is important enough, said bank would need some kind of security deposit in order for federal institutions in Europe to not investigate it, which is something I think you and me both want for security reasons.
I’ve been thinking about this and I think it would be best if we can split the deposit of $200 in the 30% and 70% that you said the money would be separated in. At the end of the day, the separation needs to be clear enough for the bank to know where the money is going to at the end of the transaction.
I’ll give you details in how to wire the money to me for the $140 that result of the 70% of $200 once you’ve given me confirmation to follow up in this business.
Please keep this message confidential, since I have people inside one of the most important banks in the world that could be screwed if this sees the light.
Thank you very much,
Girl please with those floral heels, when did my cankles, metal infused leg, and utter lack of coordination get cured?!!!
What about these floral combat boots, I think they are made from our old couch. I hear heavy boots are in again and I think they pair nicely with the midi dress we are wearing.
I hope you are doing incredibly well, and that you are getting excited for the next school year to start. I have been extremely nostalgic lately, and I am missing the idea of starting a bunch of new classes filled with like-minded people very much this August. I cannot believe it has already been several months since we last talked. My summer has been extremely busy with lots of exciting developments and trying to spend as much time as possible outdoors. I wanted to send you a quick email to give you a brief update on my life and to discuss several of the books I have read over the last couple of months that you opened my eyes to…
Really great to meet you on the plane back to DCA last night. Our conversation wins “best plane meeting” I have ever had.
I took a look at your website and it is really unbelievable what you have accomplished and developed over the years. Needless to say you are well deserving of all the successes and blessings in your life.
Be in touch!
Ps- weather permitting, I am going to try and do a reservation
I appreciate you getting back to me to let me know you’re moving forward with other candidates. I know I bombed that one, and I could tell within the first few minutes. Maybe it was the faded look of interest on my interviewers face or maybe it was when I stumbled with basic technical questions. It’s unfortunate it had to end this way, with a whimper instead of the bang of excitement it started with here. It’s a shame that all days can’t be good days, and things just don’t always go according to plan.
If I could have a do-over, a mulligan really, a chance to show that: “Heck yes, I want this job”; I would be ready. Heck, if we had to fight it out hunger games style in an underground arena, I’m pretty sure I would win that round. Unfortunately you usually don’t realize these sort of things until it’s too late. Sending you my trivial mental thoughts on the process probably only helps to keep me from being employed full-time. I truly and honestly mean this: I hope you and your team have a bomb-diggity day. I know sending rejection letters isn’t a great way to start it, but there’s the joy you get to experience by giving someone else good news.
You’ll never see this letter unfortunately, you’ll just get a “Thanks for following up” note I could type in my sleep. I’ll go off and continue my week, six interviews later across four companies without a job to show for it at the end. It’s a shame we met under different circumstances because I found you just adorable. Yeah, I know bad time to bring that up.
Stay Cute Dani, Stay Cute.
The Disillusioned Applicant
This starts off as a regular fan mail. I’ve been hooked on MysteryShow ever since the teaser came out. I love how subtly it uncovers the magic and whimsy in everyday life while pretending to be a show about mysteries.
I am such a fan, that I found a magazine to interview you for :) I’d love to ask you a couple of questions and profile the show for Quotes, a bi-lingual magazine in Bulgaria for folks who share our enthusiasm and curiosity for people.
I know your schedule must be crazy, doing a weekly show, but I’d love to be able to share the show with more people, especially in Bulgaria. So, if you think you’d have the time to answer a couple of my questions, it will absolutely make my year!
I am sorry for writing you. I know you don’t want me to. You made that extremely clear when you blocked me on every social media. To this day, I am still wondering where I went wrong. It’s been two years and I can’t seem to move on.
I will never forget when made me cry in front of my colleagues and told me that I had to be strong. I never understood how someone so close to me can be so distant. I am sorry I couldn’t open up about my battles with depression and suicidal thoughts. I thought that will drive you away. I had to be the perfect girl. The girl you always thought I was. You took care of me when I didn’t even think I needed to be cared for. You cooked for me, washed my hair and body, even dried and brushed my hair.
I don’t know what happened to you when one night you didn’t want to kiss me for goodnight’s sleep. I don’t know what change you so instantly. I am sorry I didn’t take my stuff and left in the morning like my gut feeling said. I am sorry I came back to you in the evening and bawled my eyes out when you seemed extremely angry at me. I am sorry I wasn’t able to be a better girlfriend. I am sorry for not knowing what I did wrong.
Two years later I am still here wondering what turned you away? Did your friend tell you to leave me because I did not seem like a girl who knew what she was doing in her life?
I don’t know how many times I have checked your social media accounts to see what you are up to and how you are doing. I wanted to message you and apologise for not being who you wanted me to be.
In case you are wondering, what happened to me, I dated several men. But none of them were you. I couldn’t even think of being in a relationship because I always thought I will never be good enough for anyone. I didn’t think I was worth being genuinely loved by someone. I didn’t think I was worth anything in this life.
Two years later and I am still looking for the answers. I guess all I need to move on is for you to say that I was enough for you but you wanted someone different.
I know we were never meant to get married. You were never the one but I guess in my head I portrayed you better than you were in real life.
I hope your new girlfriend will make you feel loved and have that perfect relationship you always wanted. I hope she is better in every way than I ever was.
Let me just say that I did care for you. I really did, I really was your friend and I never wanted to hurt you, but you’ve hurt me and I need to think of myself, I need to do this for myself.
We’ve know each other for 5 years, and I find myself trying to remember how it felt at the beginning, the excitement (?) of a new friendship and how it felt to have someone new in my life that inspired me in so many ways, just to try to not yell at you every time we talk, just to keep myself from running away from this city so I never see you again. I try to remember the good things about us, but it’s like grasping at straws.. useless.
At first, when our friendship started to turn bad, I understood you were going through a hard break-up, but when everything you said to me made me feel like a horrible person for being in a healthy relationship, for not being broke, it didn’t make sense anymore. I felt so bad for you, but you had a way of emotionally blackmailing me to get me to do everything you wanted, to make yourself feel better, the victim, always the victim. It made me feel like I had to tip-toe around you, but, still, I tried. I tried to understand, to be sensitive, I tried to be honest and it so often backfired on me that I just ended up doing what ever you wanted and agreeing with you so I wouldn’t feel worse.
It’s fine, I still feel like maybe I did something wrong with our friendship even when everyone keeps telling me it’s not me, it’s you.
And why do you always interrupt me when I’m speaking? You do that, a lot, it’s always about you. Always. You didn’t even care when my dad got sick and i was so sad about what would happen, you didn’t care. Didn’t ask.
Honestly, no wonder you end up with no friends after a while, no wonder they, we, all leave you. You’re a bad friend, so selfish, so toxic.
I was trying to be honest. I was trying to be your friend. I guess this is good bye.
If we keep telling ourselves that this will pass, it’ll pass.
If we keep everything normal, friendly, this will pass.
If we keep telling ourselves that this will pass, it will.
I hope so…
To be honest…no, I don’t.
I don’t want this to pass.
I want this for ever.
But, it’ll pass.
We’ll be ok.
We’ll be good.
I admit, I was hesitant to come out that other night to see you. It was weird bc I was making up a lot of excuses even though we already promised to meet. I came off confident in our msgs, but IRL, I was struggling. What if you thought I was different? What if you thought I wasn’t for you? What if you thought… so many thoughts. But then, I kicked myself in the ass and said - goddamnit nothing has happened stop overreacting. so in that dark candle lit backroom, I anxiously waited… then you walked in and before I knew it, all those anxious thoughts flittred away. those few hours with you… they were just so much better than any of my dumb thoughts about what it would be like seeing you again. thanks for that.
How do we separate from what we could do from what we should do?
There are a lot of fabulous things in life that don’t include a baby… what would that be like?
Sex, travel, options, adventure, love, Paris whenever,
Will we have enough to make up for the fact that we don’t have a child?
I feel a little bit like I am drowning.
I just needed someone else to know.
It was really nice talking to you last night. In some ways, it was as if we never stopped and in others I was very guarded. Perhaps you and T can laugh about this email too.
While I lied and hurt you - and am responsible for a great deal of what caused our demise, and I think we have acknowledged we both played a part in that and I don’t think any further conversation is needed regarding that. You seemed to have moved on, went home, had another girlfriend for awhile and went back to living the life you had. Happy or not - you moved on.
I didn’t recover that fast. The point you made in Miami was heard and felt loud and clear for months. I am only now almost 3 years later beginning to move on. Beginning to think that I could love or be in a relationship with someone again. I only NOW started to move on from you - and in the blink of an eye, you somehow can come back in and threaten to destroy all that I have worked for until this point - and that scares me, for myself.
I love you
Thanks for the help with the website quick wins – look forward to receiving the costs later today. In addition, there are 3 more campaign elements I’d like ballpark costs for if possible. They are as follows:
- Update landing page design
- Integration of a social aggregator
- An App that can translate a cats meow into English (can be on website or an app within the app store)
Please cost these generously based on the little we know about their site and the code so we are covered if they decide to pursue the ideas.
Getting over my fear of dying in space
I got you.
there’s a break that comes in that last song on halcyon digest that kills me every time. it literally feels like a piece of me is dying. the song is about seven and a half minutes long and I spend the whole first part waiting for it, because I know it’s coming and I know it’s going to slay me. you on the floor with my guitar, effortlessly having found the chords. I sit and let it wash over me like a wave. you were six feet away from me that day. I could have reached out and touched you. I did. I never should have. I should have gone all the way that night. I didn’t know what to do with my arms. emily says I have to push through the moments that freeze me. I have entire stretches of my day that aren’t frozen now. when the cold takes over, though, it immobilizes me. the radio shifts into song and I’m suddenly encapsulated in forty feet of solid ice in all directions. I’m on the side of the road trying to run with broken legs.
and then it passes.
I’m scared. I haven’t been scared about the state of us since radio silence, beginning and during. The night at xxxxxxxxx, I was able to be strong and confident and know that I was doing the right thing in telling you to do what you needed to take care of yourself, even if it meant not being together. It hurt and it was hard but I knew I was doing the right thing. Now… I still want those things for you, for me, for both of us – but something is different. It’s harder, more painful; the pending fear is bigger, I’m a little anxious and immobilized. I’m drowning in shoulds. Should we have gotten married? Should I have known better, done something differently? Should I have been better able to see how you weren’t ready, and make room for it? Everything is clearer in hindsight, as usual… I don’t know. For the first time, I really don’t know where we are at, what this means, I pushed into some tough feelings around some needs I was having this morning and somehow we wound up here? I guess this has been coming? Maybe I didn’t see it? Maybe I didn’t want to see it?
Part of me wonders if this is just a continuation of the pattern: me, presented again with something that might not be quite the right fit, being overwhelmed by it and doing it anyway, and all of it ending in bettering myself and the other person before we ultimately both move on. Is it happening again? Is dating really why you took your ring off? I can’t help but shake this idea that there’s so much you’re not saying / can’t say / are afraid to let out. You’re right: we aren’t flourishing. I feel like I get a little better day by day, week by week; I’m afraid that being with me is what’s keeping you stuck. We’ve talked about all this before.
Hi Angie -
I’m so sorry for your pain. I will do what I can to help you, and thank you for understanding how painful this is for me too –this has been, by far, the most painful and confusing experience of my life, as I’m sure it is for you too. I lost 12 pounds in two weeks when I found out, and I’m not a big person, (and I was even dating someone else)!
Please understand that I really don’t want to know more about your relationship. It’s nothing personal. I think you are probably a wonderful person. It just took me a lot of work and struggle to get to this very good place now, and I’m never going back there and don’t want to relive or question any of it.
Here’s the insight I can offer:
First of all, you should get the book “The Gift of Betrayal” by Eve Wood. Read it all asap. I swear you will feel better and it will help you to understand how this all happened. You’re just going to have to learn to live with the fact that you will never understand him or what his true motives or intentions were for any of this. You will never get closure on this. But what you can do is learn your role in it and what drew you to him (and him to you) and how to avoid people like him in the future. You are not alone.
Ben is not normal. And I don’t think it’s just Aspergers. I am fairly certain he has a personality disorder on top of that. I will leave it to you to decide if you agree or not, and what that disorder is - it doesn’t matter to me what anyone else thinks at this point. I know what I lived through. When he got caught, the way he responded to me was so cold and inhumane, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before in a human being. And I know a lot of people. It was utterly chilling. And before that, he had never been anything but really really sweet to me. Never once had he been anything close to mean.
It left me convinced that our entire relationship was fake. He was just using me for the game of it all - most of all for the attention I’m sure, but also he must have loved the risk. Just like his addiction to poker. It must have been thrilling for him to concoct so many lies and be able to manipulate me so masterfully. To be able to respond to me like that when I confronted him, he had to have no conscience and no empathy. There was no sense of guilt and any true apology - it all felt very disingenuous. There was nothing real or compassionate about it - he was not remorseful or ashamed in any way. He was just hellbent on saving his ass and concocting some sort of story that you all could accept as somewhat plausible so you didn’t think he was a psychopath, and he had absolutely no problem throwing me under the bus the second it suited him. He’s really pretty much dead to me. I never understood it when people said that before, but now I do. The person I knew was not a real person. He was a fabrication. And the real person behind the facade is not at all someone I want to have anything to do with in my life.
After we broke up, I had to try to make sense of the relationship because it made no sense at all to me. We always had an amazingly fun time together. We never fought. We were in constant contact, even if we were long distance. You read our emails, you know. I really felt like he loved me. I really thought he was my best friend (even long after the breakup - ha!) Every single weekend we spent together we got closer, but then he would make it harder to schedule the next time together. It was the weirdest thing. And his health kept getting worse and worse (was that part made up too?). I always thought Ben had PTSD from 911 (and how much of that part was true? I really don’t trust that any of it was real) and I’ve had a lot of trauma and know a lot about it, so I just thought if I was gentle and patient and safe enough, he would eventually be able to really open up to me.
This wasn’t just a case of someone cheating. This is someone who thrived on duplicity. And he panicked once I told him I wanted to spend the summer in the west and then move to NYC. He knew he couldn’t pull it off if you and I were both in the same city. But I think he kept in contact with me because he still liked the attention. It was very confusing.
So, basically I will never understand him or what went on. He won’t be able to give you an answer. He can justify all his actions with his lies. He’s a very good actor. When I thought it was just Aspergers, it was when I saw him as a really sweet person, someone who meant well, but who just wasn’t wired to need what we need. But after his cruelty with me, I really have no idea. I think it’s much worse.
One thing I would love from you is the name and address of his therapist. I really want to write that guy and tell him the extent of the damage that Ben inflicts on people. He needs to know that this isn’t a harmless game for Ben that the therapist is enabling. There are people’s lives at stake, and because he chooses vulnerable, really nice people who are really trusting, he is someday going to cause someone serous harm. I know that I was extremely lucky to be out of it when I found out – I had a new boyfriend who is very kind and loving to me and he saved me. And I hope that because you have your kids, you can put your energy into them and not focus on him and the bad stuff he did. But someday he will victimize someone who can’t handle it. And it’s unconscionable that this therapist supports his behavior. I was abused as a child and have always struggled with believing that I was lovable enough. I suspect you have some of the same issues, which is why we were so easily manipulated and would both tolerate the paucity of true affection he put out. He knew how to play us. But that doesn’t mean his therapist should be encouraging his behavior. I believe he needs to know how it feels from the other side. If you know his full name or any information at all for him, I would greatly appreciate it.
Hang in there - it will get better. You will find someone who is so much better for you, and you will never again accept someone who is so unable to love or even really feel anything for anyone else. I’ll be thinking of you and wish you all the best.
ps - get that book!
I like your beard.
I liked your beard.
I will like your beard.
DON’T SHAVE IT OFF!
I’d really love to see you (more than you probably know), but I can’t. I thought I could just be friends, but my silly heart won’t let me. I had so much fun with you the last time we got together, then you leave and I continue to think about you, which makes dating and trying to move forward rather challenging. And as hard as this is for me to do, I need to do what’s best for me and that is to say goodbye. I wish you so much happiness, Johnny. Maybe we’ll see each other at an event or something in the future. Until then, take care. :)